


Possibly Beyond Repair

by Know_Your_Paradoxes



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Acceptance, Aggression, Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Drinking to Cope, Alternate Universe - Kuzuryuu Drinks, Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anger, Anger Management, Angst and Feels, Anti-Hero, Background Character Death, Beer, Best Friends, Bitterness, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Character Development, Coping, Dark Comedy, Denial, Denial of Feelings, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Kissing, Drunkenness, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Excessive Drinking, Eyepatch, Eyes, Falling In Love, Feels, Five Stages of Grief, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gallows Humor, Getting to Know Each Other, Help, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Inspired by Music, Kissing, Kuzuryuu Blames Himself, Love, Love Confessions, Love/Hate, M/M, Male Friendship, Mood Swings, Moving On, On-Again/Off-Again Relationship, POV Second Person, Post-Chapter 2, Rare Pairings, References to Addiction, Romantic Friendship, Second Chances, Self-Hatred, Self-Medication, Self-Pity, Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Temporary OOC, Therapy, Trust, Trust Issues, Underage Drinking, Underage Kissing, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Yakuza, kuzuhina - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-10-11
Packaged: 2018-05-25 01:18:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 31,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6174541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Know_Your_Paradoxes/pseuds/Know_Your_Paradoxes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu has always been broken. It's been accepted as a fact at this point. But Hajime Hinata seems to think that he can change that.</p><p>Playlist can be found here: http://8tracks.com/know-your-paradoxes/my-head-s-a-mess</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. On Your Way Out, Turn The Lights Out

He seems to think that things can change. Of course he does. He always fucking does.

That's Hajime fucking Hinata for you, after all. The knight in shining armor, always willing to save you from yourself. The patron saint of fixing what has already been broken beyond any form of repair.

You couldn't really give two shits less about him. He's just another obstacle standing in the way of you and your noble pursuit to drink yourself to death.

And after what happened yesterday, you're pretty sure that tonight's going to be the night that you finally achieve that goal.

You hear a knock at the door of your cottage as soon as you sit down with your first bottle in hand. Goddammit, doesn't this bastard know that you just want to be alone? You've already lost her, and you've lost one of your fucking eyes. You're stuck wearing a goddamn eyepatch, for fuck's sake. You already know that it's going to be him. It has to be. There's nobody else here that's enough of a hopeless dumbass to try and pull anything tonight than him.

Maybe you might humor him, but only to prove how much of a dipshit he really is.

You set down the bottle, walking yourself to the door, making sure not to step on any of the remnants of other nights of wasted solitude on your way. This has become a sort of habit for you, ever since things began to happen. It's been too much, too damn fast for you. Peko is dead, and there's nothing you can do about it anymore.

You can't lie, your drinking habit was already a thing before she died. After all, that DID just happen yesterday.

Whatever. You're already at the door, there's no point in making him wait any longer.

"What the hell do you want?" you ask, trying not to look him in the eye. If you do, you're sure that you'll start spilling your guts. Hinata sort of has that effect.

He sighs. "I just want to talk."

"What is there to even talk about?" You scoff, trying to get him to take the hint that you don't really feel up to making friendly conversation. But you're pretty sure that the dumb bastard won't even pick up on anything that you try to say.

Whatever. "Look, if I'm being completely honest, I just wanted to check on you, and see how you're doing after all that happened. I know how hard everything must be for you, and I wanted to know that you were still doing okay. Please, just, let me in, I want to make sure that you're not doing anything drastic."

You sigh. You know that if you don't let him in, he'll just stay out there until you do. Hinata is like a fucking disease that doesn't have a cure--you can keep trying to suppress his symptoms until he finally bests you.

You've never been so poetic. Hell, maybe Hinata was a good thing for you.

He waits for you to open the door, but doesn't walk in once you do. Naturally, he's completely horrified by all of the bottles lying on the floor, and the remaining residue of those bottles' fallen comrades. "Well? If you can't already tell, I'm doing pretty damn well for myself, all things considered, fuckwit."

The look of horror on his face is almost cute, in a way.

"F-Fuyuhiko, you..." he begins, stammering. His eyes are wide and he's started to break out into a sweat. He looks like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming semi. It only serves to make him look more dumb than normal. He's a fucking dumbass, but somehow, this makes him a bit more endearing.

You shrug. "What? I what?"

"You... this isn't okay." He finally steps into your cottage, making sure to avoid the fragments of glass scattered near the entrance. "This isn't... this isn't the way to handle things. You understand why I'm concerned, don't you?"

"Yeah, but just in case you were wondering, I don't give a fuck. I was actually just about to add one more to my collection. Care to join me?"

He shakes his head furiously, as if he didn't realize that you were being sarcastic.

Your head is fucking killing you. This is why you need to just start drinking. This is how you cope. With pretty much everything. "Fine. Suit yourself. But if you don't mind, I have a date with a couple bottles of good ol' whiskey. Can I take a rain check?"

Hinata suddenly gets brave and steps across the floor, attempting to get closer to you. He finally gets to you and puts a hand on your shoulder, in what you can only assume is an attempt to console you. You don't even fucking care. "Fuyuhiko, please don't do this to yourself. This isn't how you should be handling yourself. I'm so sorry that you feel like you have to do this..."

"No, no, you don't even understand. You don't understand how hard this has been for me. I lost my best friend, my fucking EYE, and pretty much any sanity I had left in me when I lost Peko. She meant the world to me. And without her, I... I feel like..."

You hate that you suddenly feel like sharing everything. Especially because it means telling Hinata, of all people. But you can't keep it inside anymore. If you do, you'll go insane.

"It feels like I'm drowning. And I hate it. It makes me sick. I feel weak for the first time I ever have in my life. I've never had to feel weak before, and it pisses me the fuck off! My name is Fuyuhiko Kuzu-fucking-ryuu! I should never have to feel weak like this! I'm a fucking yakuza! I'm the heir to the most feared empire in Japan! I shouldn't have to feel like choking on my cocktail of choice every night!

"And it's all because of her! She thought that she could kill Mahiru like it was nothing, and then try to throw me under the bus for it! She tried to get me to tell you all that I thought of her as just a fucking TOOL, l-like she was a damn shovel or an ax!

"But," you stop and catch your breath, trying to fight the tears beginning to fill your eyes. "Goddammit, she wasn't. She never was. She wasn't my bodyguard, or my killing machine. She was always Peko. She was my friend, and the girl I had always thought I would end up marrying someday." A pitiful laugh escapes you as you continue, "Dammit, that sounds so fucking stupid, doesn't it? I always pictured me telling her how I felt when we got older, and I always thought that maybe things would end up like that, and..."

You hate it. You hate everything. You can't deal with this. You're crying in front of Hajime Hinata, the Florence Nightingale of the unabashedly fucked-up. All this is going to do is fuel him.

But you can't stop the tears from falling anymore.

"I should've known better," you admit. "I should've. I really thought that I was going to get a happy ending. I fell for it like the retarded fucking sap that I am. And I was damn sure that everything was going to be fine. Hell, I was going to tell her how much I cared about her during our trip. How fucking dumb is that?" Another laugh, although this one sounds neither pitiful nor confident. It's just a laugh for the sake of laughing. It's a laugh to try and convince yourself to stop.

"But the truth is, I don't deserve it. I never did, and I never will. I don't deserve to be happy. I deserve to rot in the gutters of the deepest layers of Hell for everything I've done. If I hadn't been so goddamn impulsive, Mahiru would never have died, and Peko would've never killed her because she thought I wanted her to, and Peko would still be alive, and... and..."

You don't have it in you to continue that thought.

Hinata's hand is still on your shoulder, and you suddenly realize that in the fit of anger and sudden sadness, you grabbed hold of his shirt and started crying into that. You dearly hope he isn't attached to this shirt.

And then, within the span of two seconds maybe, he's hugging you. You don't know how it happened, you just know that you don't want to let go.

You can't let go.

"Fuyuhiko, this isn't your fault. There was nothing you could've done. I understand that you got angry. If any of the rest of us had been in the situation that you were in, I'm sure we would've been angry, too. You have nothing to blame yourself for. Think about Peko. Would she want you to be doing this to yourself? Would she be willing to let you sit here and drink away your entire life? What about your sister? Would SHE want this? Would SHE be okay with watching you drown yourself in liquor like this?"

You shake your head no gently, because you're still against the nook of Hinata's neck, and you're scared that if you move hard enough, he'll let go of you.

You may hate the bastard, but right now, he's all you have.

Hinata senses your movement, and he continues trying to comfort you. "See? I told you, everything is going to be fine. Peko did all of this to protect you. If she were here, she would be doing the same thing as I am." He gives a little, light-hearted laugh that doesn't seem right in the given situation, but comforts you all the same. It rings in your ears and sounds like the most pleasant music you've ever heard before in your life.

"I bet right now you wish that it was her you were hugging, and not me."

You close your eyes and start laughing with him. He's not wrong. Although, actually, you really don't mind. Hinata is surprisingly soft. He's not a bad person to be hugging right now in this current moment in time. You could stand to stay like this for a little longer.

"Please, Fuyuhiko, don't keep doing this. You deserve so much more than this. You deserve to be happy, no matter what you've done. You deserve to get your happy ending. You just have to find the path that leads you there now that Peko is gone, right?"

You nod, trying your best to fight the urge to nuzzle against him. For some reason, you can see yourself like this much more often.

Fuck, you hate Hinata.

And finally, when he lets go, you can suddenly feel your doubts and sadness returning, like he was a goddamn forcefield protecting you from your problems. He gives you a patient smirk, that same fucking half-smirk he gives everyone else whenever he's trying to make them happy, but for some reason, it doesn't feel the same. It feels much more pitiful than that.

"Don't fucking smirk at me like you feel sorry for me. I'm a lot of things, Hajime, but I'm not pitiful by any goddamn means, ya hear?" you grumble, just loud enough so that you know he can hear you.

He gulps and nods, the nervous sweat from earlier seemingly returning to him. "I-I wasn't trying to-"

"I can recognize pity, alright? I get it. Spare me your whole 'Boohoo, poor short baby-faced kid actually has a really dark secret, he's ruining his liver and will most likely die at the age of 25 if he keeps this up, his bodyguard died and I guess he was in love with her, why can't he see that he's actually got a lot to live for?' bullshit. I don't need it. I shouldn't have said what I did just now. Leave me the fuck alone from now on, you got it?"

As you say this, your eyes are closed. You don't mean a single fucking word of it.

When you open your eyes, Hinata's are closed. You let out the breath you've been holding in, waiting to finally look at him. He simply seems to be thinking about something. Whatever. You could care less what he does.

"Didn't you hear me? I told you to get out!" you assert, this time, raising your voice above the low, growling whisper it had been. You wish that you didn't have to wear this fucking eyepatch.

"I'm going to. But not until I make sure that you don't do anything drastic. Seriously, I came here because I was worried about you, and now that I know what's going on, I need to make sure that you don't hurt yourself or anyone else. Please, just... at least let me stay here for tonight, until I'm sure you'll be okay?" He has a slight, childish quality in his voice, which you can't believe you've never noticed before. It's almost like he's begging you.

You wince. Your head is spiraling right now. On one hand, you won't be able to drink, and he'll more than likely leave soon afterward. On the other hand, however, you'll at least have him there to make you feel a little better for tonight. That's really all that matters to you right now.

But then again, the booze could do that for you, too.

"If you still want me to leave, I promise I won't bother you again, but... it's killing me right now knowing that you've been doing this to yourself for God knows how damn long, and I haven't been able to do anything about it. Just one night, and if I can convince you to stay on the straight and narrow, you never even have to look me in the eye again. Please, I can't bear the thought of seeing you tearing yourself up like this..." Hinata continues.

"Hajime, I..." you begin, but you can't bring yourself to finish your thought.

He looks at you, and his eyes are so green right now, and you can barely breathe, and your mouth is dry, and you wish that you didn't care about what he thought of you so much, and you wish that he didn't care about you so much, and the bottle is just right down there on the floor, and he looks like he's on the verge of tears like you are, and... and... and...

"Fuyuhiko... please."

Dammit.

You take in a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to find the most polite way to say this to him.

Aw, hell, it wasn't like this was going to be easy to say, anyway.

"On the way out, could you please shut off the lights?" you ask him, looking down at the floor. You remember that bottle, and you remember it well. It had saved you from the night of the party, where Byakuya had been killed. Looking at it now, you can still remember its taste, the way that it stung going down your throat, and the tears it brought to your eyes due to the sheer strength of it. You can't bring yourself to look Hinata in the eyes, so instead, you're standing there, reminiscing over bad memories brought about by a piece of broken glass from a bottle of vodka on the floor.

You bring your head back up, just to twist the knife in your stomach a little further. He opens his mouth like he's about to speak, but then he shuts it and just nods, half-understandingly and half-acceptingly, like he's just given up to your will. You gulp down your pride as you turn your back to him, taking one step forward, then pausing until you can hear his footsteps walking away from you.

You jump a little, even though you were expecting the thud of his shutting the door.

He did as you asked, however, as now you're stuck in complete darkness, left with the companionship of the shards of what little dignity you had left and the cold, burning sensation of another night of escape.


	2. Take Your Supermodels And Your Broken Beer Bottles

You wake up the next morning with the taste of regret on your tongue once again. This is nothing new for you, but it should be taken of notice that today's failure feels incredibly more potent than the rest. You're not sure why. Maybe because you let your weakness overcome you and send away your last chance at getting through? Maybe because you saw how much learning your truth actually DID break Hinata's heart, and you still did nothing about that. Maybe it's because you've finally realized that you don't quite hate the poor bastard.

Fuck, your eye hurts. You're not sure why it does, but for some reason, you can't feel anything but pain.

Once you finally get adjusted to the light, you blink once. Twice. Three times. You feel really dumb right now, but the only thing you can do at this point is blink. It makes you feel even more helpless than you already did.

Maybe you were secretly hoping that Hinata would sneak in and check on you to make sure that you weren't dead. No, scratch that, that was EXACTLY what you were hoping for. You wish you could've been a little stronger. After all, Hinata really DID seem to be worried about you.

You can't help but feel a bit like the villain of this story.

You remembered back when you absolutely HATED alcohol, back when your sister would always get on your case if she heard that you had been involved with people who had been drinking. If she saw you now, she would be so disappointed in you. You should care, but you don't. 

That might be the scariest thing about all of this. You've already accepted how weak you are, and you've already accepted how much you hate your situation, and now that you know that he's worried about you, and that's the only person that actually probably IS, you want to get on the straight and narrow. But you still can't seem to get yourself to do it, no matter what.

Something makes you get out of bed, finally. Your head is killing you, and your eye isn't faring much better.

Maybe you'll get to see Hinata, and maybe you'll get to ask him if he can start checking in on you.

That thought alone makes you feel better almost immediately. Well, not better, per se, but it doesn't make you feel any worse.

Once you get up and walk into the "living room", you're greeted to the sounds of someone furiously knocking on your door. You groan a little. This isn't exactly the most pleasant thing for someone with a headache. But until you can make your way over there, you're going to have to deal with it. "Alright, alright, shut up, I'm comin'," you mumble, making sure you're loud enough so that the person on the other side of the door will be able to hear you.

You finally make it to the door, and open it to find the man of the hour.

You give a smirk and say, "Speak of the Devil! Hajime, how're you doing?"

"I'm just glad that you answered. I was worried about you. I couldn't get any sleep last night because I was scared that I would find you dead in the morning. You're really not doing good things for my health, y'know." He lets out a nervous chuckle, and you can see sweat beads rolling down his forehead and cheeks.

"Yeah, I get it. I mean, if I were in your shoes, I can't say I wouldn't have been worried too." You look off into the distance, just past Hinata's right ear. You're not sure what you're even doing. Then again, since when did you ever know what the hell you were doing?

He shrugs. "Anyway, let's not dwell on anything, alright? We're still not completely out of the woods yet, right? After all, Monokuma was supposed to supply us with the next motive today, I think. And we've all got to be on our toes."

You give him a nod. "Yeah, you're right. From now on, I should probably be much more careful." He gives you that smirk. You know the one. The stupid one that makes you want to smack him and hug him and spit right into his face all at once. That singular smirk has been on your mind for a larger percentage of the past 5 hours than you would like to admit. That smirk has brought you nothing but trouble since you got here.

Something compels you to clear your throat. He breaks the smirk and simply darts his eyes back and forth across various places around you two, never quite meeting your gaze again. A part of you is glad that he isn't looking right through you anymore. Another part is upset because you've just realized the tiny line in the middle that's lighter and greener than the rest and you just want to keep exploring it but since his eyes keep moving away, you can't exactly do that.

You wish that for once, your dumb fucking brain would stop trying to make you actually feel some kind of sympathy for him.

The silence seems to last for ages, until finally, you can hear Ibuki yell out from far away, "Hey! Hajime! Over heeeeeeeere~!"

Even though she's as far as she could probably be, she sounds like she's right next to you. And that's not exactly a good thing, all things considered. It feels like the Devil himself is conducting Beethoven's Fifth Symphony especially for your brain, Live from Hell.

Hinata notices you clench your eyes at the sound of her voice, and turns back to where it came from, apologizing before yelling back at her, "I'll be over soon! I'm just checking on Fuyuhiko!"

She seems content with this, as she doesn't yell back, and he turns back to face you, apologizing again for yelling so close to you.

For some reason, the sound of his voice didn't irritate you nearly as much as hers did.

"Well, I suppose I should extend the invitation, shouldn't I? Do you want to join us to see what the hell's going on?" he asks.

You ponder for a second, but you decide it's best not to.

"I would, but... don't tell anyone else, I was planning on making a grand entrance tomorrow morning. So go on ahead, I'll just be here, trying to recover. I mean, I probably shouldn't be out of the hospital, anyway."

You smirk. You may or may not have snuck out of the hospital the other night. You know that you probably shouldn't have. You know that you're still in bad health. And you know more than anything that you definitely shouldn't have been drinking, because that would only serve to make things much worse than they already were. (On a related note, you wonder if Mikan ended up finding any alcohol in your blood.)

Hinata nods, with the smirk again. The same. Goddamn. Smirk. You grit your teeth from behind your lips. Your eyes simply can't seem to break away from it. It's almost as if you have a fixation on that one smirk. It makes you feel better and worse at the same time.

"Alright. I understand. If you need to talk or anything, please, feel free to talk to me, okay? I'm here for you. We're all here for you."

You know that it's a little white lie, but it still makes you feel better somehow.

You nod, happy enough to comply with him, even though you should really know better. Since when have you become so willing to listen to others? Since when have you become so willing to comply with someone like Hajime fucking Hinata?

Even though you feel like you're going against everything that you've been told to be, becoming the next leader of the Kuzuryuu clan and all, you still feel a strong need to atone for everything you've done, past, present, and future.

Maybe it was wrong of you to doubt him...

You shake your head as microscopically as you can, so that he doesn't notice and question why you're doing that. You worry that he'll still notice anyway. After all, the poor fucker's been basically strongholding the past two investigations and class trials. You've wondered to yourself if maybe his special talent was the Super High School Level Detective. (Actually, now that you think about it, he couldn't possibly be, since you had heard of a Super High School Level Detective attending the school before.)

Hinata looks down at the ground between you, like he might be staring at your shoes. You self-consciously look down as well, wondering if there's something in particular that he's trying to stare at.

You're pretty sure this bastard can smell fear.

He immediately picks up on this, and both of you look back up at one another almost instantaneously. You feel your cheeks starting to heat up a little (even more than usual, which is pretty fucking hot, if you do say so yourself) once his eyes stop moving and are laser-focused on yours. "No, no, I wasn't looking because there was something, I was just... I-I'm sorry, that was awkward, wasn't it..."

You see a sweat bead trickle down his forehead. You're not sure whether to be mad that he made you this flustered, or laugh because of just how damn dorky he is. Jesus, you really HAVE become a softy.

"W-Well, if you're just gonna stand there like a fucking moron, I'd appreciate getting to take some painkillers, if you don't mind," you say, more abrasively than you had intended. You wonder if maybe you should just give up trying to be more conciliatory with everyone. It's hard enough getting friendly with Hinata, and you would go as far as to say that you actually kind of like the kid.

He clears his throat and nods, with an awkward expression on his face that you can't quite make out with any kind of particular emotion. You wince a little. He must've been a little taken back by how pissed your voice sounded.

You want to take it back and tell him that you didn't really mean for it to sound as horrible and angry as it did, but you would be going against everything that the Kuzuryuu clan stood for. After all, you HAVE kinda been working on it for the past 17 years of your life. 

Your eye doesn't feel nearly as bad as it did before, which you're glad about, but you still want to clear things up with the Hinata situation.

He nods again, and then he gives a knowing smile as he says, "Alright. That's fine. Sorry. I'll come back to fill you in, if that's okay with you?"

You nod, a little more eagerly than you should. You don't want him to realize that you actually depend on him at this point. You don't want him to know that you actually really care about him, and that you're glad that he cares about you. You don't want him to see how broken you truly are, and that he is one of the only people that you have left. You don't want him to find the soul that's harboring inside of you, and find the heart that doesn't want to beat anymore, and look at the lungs that don't want to breathe, and stare at the liver that doesn't want to process anything but alcohol, and the kidneys that want to completely fail, and the brain that wants to shut down and never return your senses back to you.

You hate thinking. You need to stop that.

"Yeah, that's fine, I guess. Even if I said no, you'd still try and stick your ass with me, isn't that right, Hinata?" you say, trying to negate the previous act you just did, in the hopes that maybe he won't notice.

His eyes seem to brighten a little, and for a split second, you can feel your windpipe tighten, like just staring at how amazing his eyes look makes you physically unable to breathe. What the fuck is this guy DOING to you?

Something inside you clicks, and you suddenly feel like reaching out towards him as he turns to walk away.

"W-Wait... c-can you stay with me tonight?" you ask, impulsively. You realize just how childish you must sound to him right now, and you clear your throat and repeat yourself again, this time making sure to put on your most masculine, testosterone-filled voice. "Uh, can you stay with me tonight?" After a split second, you add onto the statement. "Because I was really harsh to you last night, and I wanted to make up for it. Which, if you don't want to, that's totally okay."

You want to beat yourself to a pulp for what you've just insinuated. You don't want him to think that you actually CARE about him. At least, not yet. You know that he's a good person, and the reliance on him might turn him away from you. And that is pretty much the LAST thing that you would ever want.

Hinata has a faint but noticeable blush on his face as he turns back around to face you. "U-Uh," he begins, letting out a surprised chuckle. You clear your throat again, even though you've done that more than enough times to get the point across. It's awkward. That's already been established. You don't need to point that out anymore, Fuyuhiko, you think to yourself.

"If you want, I'd be more than happy to make sure you're okay," he answers, with a reassuring smile on his face. You feel faint.

It wasn't the smirk.

It was a real, genuine, SMILE.

And that smile was going to be the death of you, goddammit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that the name of the chapter doesn't really fit, but I'm going to be naming the chapters after lyrics of the song "This Is The Best" by USS (Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker), which the name of the story was based off of.
> 
> (Although ironically if this had Junko in it, it would fit kinda perfectly, how about that)


	3. I Don't Care, Party Anywhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuyuhiko gets wasted again, and says something he really shouldn't have.

Well, you've gotta hand it to him. He seems to really actually care about you, despite everything. You're beginning to like the kid more and more with each passing second. You're just glad he hasn't told you to completely fuck off yet, if you're being totally honest with yourself.

Something makes you feel safe around him, like he's a security blanket, and you're Linus from the Peanuts gang. (You want nothing more than to get this analogy out of your head right now. Good lord, you can't believe you even MADE that analogy. You wish that your childhood hadn't had such a strong influence on your current character. In fact, you're even sorry that your fucking parents had even EXPOSED you to that stupid show. You dearly wished you hadn't developed a tradition for watching those holiday specials.)

It's 10:00 already, where the hell is he? You're getting antsy, and your lips are aching to meet another bottle of sweet amnesia.

You have to stop yourself, however. If Hinata caught you like this AGAIN, you'd more than likely be in for a stern lecture.

Your head feels much better than before, which is good. Not nearly as many thoughts swimming around in it. You're glad for that, at least. Maybe your head hurt because you were too busy being caught up in Hinata or something. Maybe you were just hungover? Or, worse, maybe it was because you had forgotten to take your painkillers this morning.

Out of all three of the options, the last of them seems to be the most likely cause.

One: You don't. Like. Hinata. Not a bit. You really don't care about him. At all. (You're currently lying through your teeth, and everybody fucking knows it. Well, everybody as in, you, yourself, and, surprise, surprise, you.)

Two: You've been at this long enough that you don't get hungover nearly as easily as before. The first time you got drunk, you woke up the next day completely downtrodden and out of wack. But it's been too damn long since then for you to still be a lightweight. It's called building a tolerance. Unfortunately, this means that it takes a lot more for you to even get DRUNK these days, much less get a hangover. You have to gulp down at least three bottles (usually four) to even feel a bit of a BUZZ at this point.

There is no three.

Where the fuck is Hinata? He was supposed to meet you by now. You had met him earlier as he told you about the motive and everything, and now, here you are, waiting for him to show up like he fucking PROMISED you he would, precisely at 10:00. Well, he's not here.

This is extremely unlike him. As anyone who's ever glanced in Hinata's direction knows by now, the kid is DEFINITELY not someone to completely back out on his promises. He's the fucking hero, after all. Heroes are never untrustworthy or flaky, and Hinata is no exception.

Maybe something happened. Either way, you're still kinda pissed at him.

You feel your eyelids suddenly beginning to droop as you keep waiting for him to finally show up. You curse your alcoholism as the culprit for being so damn tired. "Where the hell..." you begin, but your words trail off as you begin to feel yourself succumbing to sleep.

Your eyelids are closed for what seems like a mere second before you feel someone shaking you awake and trying to talk to you at the same time.

You recognize that voice. It's the voice you've been dying to hear ever since you last spoke to him. Finally, the bastard decided to show up.

"Fuyuhiko... please wake up... please..." you hear him say. His voice sounds desperate, and perhaps a little frightened. You wonder if maybe he thinks that you're dead.

You open your eyes and are met with Hinata's. Ever since you noticed it this morning, you've developed a fixation for the subtle line that's lighter and greener than most of the rest of his irises, and you thank God for his genetics, because you swear, if he didn't have that, he would feel incomplete. You'd still like his eyes, if you're still being honest, but that line seems to make them all the more captivating, at least, in your opinion that absolutely nobody asked for.

"Oh, thank God," Hinata mumbles under his breath. His eyes close and he sighs in relief. "I'm so glad that you're okay. I just came in, and you were sleeping, and I got so worried that I had come in after you'd done something to yourself, and... and..." He tries to continue his train of thought, but no other substantial words come out of his mouth.

With sleep still in your voice, you utter, "Calm down, ya paranoid bastard, I'm fine."

You manage a chuckle--one of the more genuine ones you've uttered since the thing that happened where the girl you had always thought you'd marry may or may not have been cruelly executed, as you were also sliced at the edge of her sword. (You're not hung up over that, you promise.)

He chuckles in response, nervously, however, and he wipes away the beads of sweat that had formed on his forehead while trying to wake you. "Well, I'm glad you were. And I'm really sorry about not making it here when I said I would. I kind of fell asleep..."

Huh. So it turns out he's one of those "early to bed, early to rise" kind of people.

"Great minds think alike, I guess," you answer, with a smirk on your face.

He finally gives you a genuine chuckle, one that rings in your ears. You could listen to that for at least another 12 hours, on constant loop. His voice has never sounded quite as melodic and soothing as it just did, when he gave you that small, happy, laugh.

"So, uh... what do you want me to do while I'm here, then?" he asks, after clearing his throat. You notice his voice got a bit deeper than it had been before, as he's finally started talking "business", if by "business", you meant "staying with some alcoholic toddler, making sure he doesn't stab himself with a shard of broken glass from his bathroom mirror thirty-eight times in the only good eye he still has left".

You shrug. "Just... keep me company, tell me more about yourself, maybe get a bit tipsy with me, whatever you want, I guess." You really don't care what the hell Hinata does, as long as he's still here with you.

"Uh, okay... Just to warn you, I don't plan on getting drunk with you. But I'll make sure you keep in line while you're drinking tonight, if that's what you want." He gives an encouraging smile, and this time, rather than aggravating you, it only serves to make you feel better about yourself.

You nod. "That's alright with me, buddy."

You walk to the fridge and grab a bottle or two, or five. (You don't have a problem you don't have a problem you don't have a problem you don't have a problem you don't have a problem.)

You set four of them down on the stand next to you and begin to twist the cap off of the one you're currently holding. You're thankful that the twist-off caps were invented, because you'd be goddamned if you had to open a fucking cork, or worse, have to try and jam your thumb underneath a cap just to get it to pop off. You can't really explain it, but you've always had a secret fear of pain.

Ironically.

"So, uh... how're things going in the stellar life of Hajime Hinata?" you ask, your voice oozing sarcastic grandeur.

He smirks and says, "Not bad, I suppose, given the circumstances. I mean, I've still got friends here, don't I? I'm talking to one right now."

You feel oddly touched when he says that. You didn't really think he thought of you as a friend, after all that had happened. You had been kind of a dick to him and the others before, and that certainly didn't do you any favors with the rest of the cast of characters. But that was par for the course, being a Kuzuryuu and all. All Kuzuryuu heirs were expected to be hardasses, and they weren't supposed to get chummy with people. If anyone had ever known that the next heir was a big softy that had a crush on his bodyguard and could cry at the drop of a hat, everything would've been over for you.

It was what was expected. Everybody knew you were a yakuza. Hell, that's the only reason that you're even here right now. You're here because you were born into a yakuza family, and you couldn't get out of being a yakuza. You're here because your mother and father decided they wanted to continue the legacy.

You're here because you were born.

That doesn't sit well with you. You hate that you had to come to that acknowledgement, but it's still all you have. Well, that, and the promise that you're going to be completely shitfaced before you can even think about this a second time.

You manage to get the lid off, finally (you weren't really trying before, in all honesty), and you motion for him to cheers with you, even though he has no bottle of his own. You couldn't care less. It's the thought that counts, and you're sure that Hinata will be glad that you even bothered to extend that comfort. Kuzuryuus were NOT chummy people. But when they were, they were the most high-class, intelligent, sophisticated chummy people you'd ever meet.

You suppose that you're no different than the heirs of yore in that regard.

"Well, I'm going to say it," you say, after downing half of your first bottle. "This is awkward as hell."

Hinata nods a little, staring down at the floor, trying to adjust his feet so that he's not near any stray shards from previous endeavors to find numbness. "I guess it is, huh? I'm not really good company, honestly-"

"N-No, no, it's fine. I'm not worried about it. After all, we're friends, aren't we? And friends don't HAVE to be completely comfortable talking to each other all the time. Friendship is about being awkward... right?" you ask, hopeful that what you've just said is actually the equivalent of a normal friendship.

Being the person that you are, you wouldn't have the slightest idea what a normal friendship was, as the only real "friendship" you've been able to maintain was practically forced on you from birth, and had since developed into romantic feelings, that (let's be honest) were probably unrequited. Peko was the only person that had shown you true friendship, and you would give anything for her to be in your place here.

Well, not the whole "drinking herself to death" thing, but still.

She doesn't deserve to be dead right now. Her death was senseless. It was easily avoidable. She's dead because of a misconception. She's dead because she thought she was only doing what you wanted HER to do. She's dead because she wanted to be the person that killed for you, your right-hand woman, so to speak.

She's dead because you were too slow in killing Mahiru yourself.

Hell, Mahiru didn't even have to die. She shouldn't have died. You had been way too impulsive. Then again, hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?

You have to put the bottle to your lips again. If you don't, you're going to keep thinking until you say something really stupid and turn Hinata away. And right now, while you're writhing around in your own pool of self-hatred and pity, that is the WORST possible thing that could happen to you at this current moment in time.

Goddamn, it stings.

* * *

Before you even realized it, almost four hours have passed, and it's currently 2 in the morning. You've chugged about seven bottles at this point, and you're definitely beginning to feel the effects.

"So, Hajime, let me tell ya something," you say, hearing your words sound crisp and precise, although you know fully well that Hinata might not be able to tell your words from fucking Teruteru's. He nods anyway, like he understands what you said. Perhaps you're a simply more eloquent drunk than most. "I've got... this special thing I do."

He seems to be listening.

"I usually break the bottles when I'm done with them, you know, but I know that whenever you do it with another person, that it's supposed to symbol brotherhood, or friendship, or something. I've never really done that before, so... I guess... I don't really know... Maybe you're NOT supposed to break it." You let out a drunken guffaw as you continue, "I'm too shitfaced right now to remember."

Hinata doesn't seem to have a strong feeling one way or another about whether or not that was amusing to him.

"Anyway, I was just thinking... ya know... I like breaking the bottles, because whatever gets broken can't ever get broken again, right? Well, except bones, but still..." you continue. You wish you weren't doing a monologue right now. You wish that Hinata felt more comfortable with you so that he could get in and make better conversation. You wish a lot of things.

But, as The Rolling Stones once eloquently put it, you can't always get what you want.

But if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need.

And goddammit, Hinata is what you need right now.

"Why DO you break the bottles, Fuyuhiko?" he asks, seemingly not buying the excuse of breaking them for the sake of never having to break them again. And you have to applaud him. Nothing slips past this kid.

Unfortunately, you can't filter your response due to the alcohol you've currently consumed up to this point.

"Well, broken glass has more uses than just sitting there, ya know. Broken glass can be used for many things. Like making mosaics, making glass sculptures, sending it off to make floor and wall tiles, cutting things..."

His eyes go wide as you mention the final thing on your list.

"C... C-Cutting?" His voice sounds low and scared, like he's worried that you're actually cutting yourself with the glass.

You're glad that he's worried, because that's exactly what's been going on.

"What?" you ask, quietly.

He blinks twice before repeating himself. "Cutting?" He then continues.

"Fuyuhiko, are you... are you DOING that to yourself? Is that the reason why you break the glass? Is that why you keep the shards around?" He looks scared, and you can see the tears in his eyes beginning to form.

Something inside your heart just breaks.

"Damn, nothing gets past you, does it?" you ask him, as a bit of a confirmation. You can just hear him chastising you already.

He doesn't, though.

Instead, he takes the bottle out of your hand, sets it on the floor next to you, and then wraps his arms around you.

You have to admit, it's awkward at first, since you're sitting, and he's bending over to try and match your height in the seat, but once you start getting up, he seamlessly coordinates with your movement, like you two are dancing, somehow. It feels strange, but it's entrancing, in a way. It feels... right. It feels so weird knowing that this is where you're supposed to be at this exact moment in time. It's almost like you're fulfilling some kind of destiny.

This time, you can't resist the urge to fit yourself into the curve between his neck and his shoulder.

It's almost as if the guy was built for you to hug. He's so soft and warm and kind and right and... right now, in this one moment, being here, with Hinata right here...

He's perfect.

And you feel almost blessed by whatever God exists that you get to be here right now, basking in the moment with him, knowing full well that you're as close to Heaven as you will ever probably be.

Fuck, you've missed this feeling.

You've never felt this way this suddenly before. With Peko, it took time. It took so much fucking time. Hell, you had only realized that you liked her when you had turned 12. And you had known her since birth. You had known her since birth and it still took you 12 fucking years to finally realize that you even so much as LIKED her, beyond a platonic sense.

And right now, it had taken all but maybe 2 weeks?

Maybe, this was there before you had your memories of Hope's Peak completely erased. Maybe this had been hidden in your subconscious and it's waited till now to come back to you, in full force. Maybe you really did just sort of fall all at once.

Maybe this is only the way it is because you're still grieving.

But you couldn't really give a fuck less right now.

His voice is little more than a whisper against your ear as he asks you, "Can I see the scars, please?"

You feel a chill go down your spine.

Showtime.


	4. I'm Broke Man, Possibly Beyond Repair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He sees your battle scars. He sees every single scar that you've etched into your skin. He sees them all.
> 
> And in the process, he sees YOU.

Well, if you were being completely honest with yourself, this was definitely NOT the way that you expected this evening to go.

You're drunk off your ass, getting ready to break the greatest hug you've ever participated in, rolling up your sleeves, about to show the man who's been playing God for the past week and a half (maybe, you can't even fucking tell anymore) every single scar you've accumulated from birth till now.

Well, not every scar. You're NOT taking your pants off in front of Hinata.

Once you feel him start to let go, you bite down on the inside of your cheek, trying your best to hold in your exclamation for him to keep hugging you. You have your sleeve ready to show him, and you're so scared.

You shouldn't be this scared. You know that he's not going to judge you. He'd never judge you for this. If nothing, this is going to make him want to be around you even MORE, which, given the sudden revelations, would be nothing but an ASSET for you at this point, really. He won't do anything to you. He would never make you feel like shit because of this.

God knows that if the sudden vision (fantasy?) of him kissing your scars is any indication, you DEFINITELY shouldn't be scared.

But you are, and here he is, waiting, giving you the most reassuring smile you think you've ever seen, and suddenly his eyes are BROWN, but you were pretty sure that they were GREEN, and how do they keep surprising you like this?

You let out a shaky breath.

"Are you ready for this? Because, unless I know you're completely sure, I-"

He shakes his head, interlocking the fingers of your other hand with his. Just like you thought they'd be, they're a perfect fit.

In. Out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Let go. Just, let go. Everything is going to be okay. Hinata cares about you. He just wants to see you happy, and he wants to make sure that you're okay. He cares.

He cares so much. More than anyone else in his life has ever seemed to care about you, with the obvious exception. He cares about you, and you care about him. You both care more than either of you are willing to admit. And both of you know that things here are going to be tense, no matter how much the other cares.

But you don't have time for worrying about this right now. You're already this far along, you can't stop now.

Break the hug, Fuyuhiko. Just do it. This will be good for both of you.

You finally muster the courage to break the hug. Your chest heaves a bit, and you can taste blood in your mouth, from biting down on your cheek too hard. This is going to be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life.

Kuzuryuus don't show weakness. This is common knowledge among the family. Every single Kuzuryuu you've ever known has been a hardened, unrepentant, borderline sociopathic shell of a human being, and you were supposed to be born and raised as no exception. Your sister should've been the rightful heir. After all, she HAD been called the second-coming of your uncle, one of the most (if not, simply THE most) notorious Kuzuryuus in the clan. She deserved to be the one known for being a yakuza, and not you. You were weak. You ARE weak.

"Well, here's the constellation of fucked-up," you say, turning your arm to where Hinata can see the scars.

He doesn't even seem surprised at how many there are. He just closes his eyes and purses his lips together. He acts like somehow he's always known that they were there. He acts like he already knew how many were scattered all across your arms. He acts like he's known you for years, just standing there.

And, hell, maybe he has. You can't know that for sure. You still have no idea what the hell happened while you two went to school together in Hope's Peak. For all you know, you two could have been a thing, and neither of you would be none the wiser. And dammit, that only made you want to get your memories back even more. You needed to know more about yourself.

Your head is spinning. Every single thought is swimming through your head right now, and suddenly you get the urge to kiss him, but you can't, because he's now holding onto your wrist and scanning your scars like he's going to find some hidden message in your arm.

"How long?" he asks. You give him a strange look, not understanding what he's asking, and he seems to pick up on your confusion. "How long have you been doing this?"

You shrug. "I don't remember. Probably since Hope's Peak sometime. Maybe after my sister died. I don't really know."

He nods, still not breaking his gaze away from the light pink crevices covering your skin. Hinata is taking this much better than you thought that he would. You're quite surprised that he's not looking at you more, or looking scared, or concerned, or even bothered in the slightest.

"I can't really say I blame you much," he replies, about a minute later, letting go of your wrist. He meets your eyes, and your heart sinks a little in your chest. You can't understand why he would ever say that. He's not this type of person. "You've lost someone very important to you. Your sister was probably one of the biggest and greatest influences on you. And I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose someone like that. I never had any siblings of my own, so I can't relate to the feeling, but I know that it must be the hardest thing you've ever had to face in your entire life, even despite being a yakuza, even despite losing a friend you've known and loved since birth, and even despite losing every single memory of your sister, and never knowing that she was already dead."

For some reason, his not knowing makes you feel like he relates to you MORE. Your heart is thumping, with a mix of relief from not being chewed out and fear of something you don't quite know.

You shrug. "Just, ever since, I've been... And... fuck, Hajime, it hurts. it hurts more than anything. I wanted to maybe do it so I could see if it would trigger a memory, or SOMETHING, because when I got here, I just remembered getting into alcohol, and then one night, I woke up and saw all of these cuts along my arm, and I just thought... maybe doing it again would make me remember why I started in the first place, but now..."

He grabs onto your wrist again, and you wish that he would just spare you the agony and lock your fingers with his again.

His other hand reaches for your face, and wipes away a tear that you didn't remember shedding. "Fuyuhiko, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You were in a bad place for a long time. I can relate. There are times that I've woken up and barely had the energy to get out of bed. Everyone has their own demons they have to face. And yours are your life as a yakuza and the deaths of two important girls in your life." His thumb is so gentle against your cheek, you barely notice it anymore. You don't understand how he's getting you so confused about yourself.

"H-Hajime, you..." you begin, feeling yourself slur through your words, your foggy brain unable to hinder yourself from uttering them.

No, no, you have to stop this. If it kills you, you HAVE to stop yourself from admitting something you don't mean. Or maybe you do mean it. It's not like you were ever quite able to tell anyway. You've never been that type of person.

He doesn't press you further, instead opting to let go of your wrist and pull the sleeve of your suit jacket down over your scars. "I want you to know that I'm always here, if you ever need to talk to anyone, ever again, alright?"

You hear a wobble in his voice, and that hurts you a little. Something tells you that he's more worked up about this than he's trying to let on, but you can't bring yourself to cry in front of him anymore. You don't want him to think of you as little more than a crybaby. You've already got the reputation of having a babyface. Being preceded by THAT already is enough to make you grit your teeth.

"Hajime... i-if..."

You begin to speak again, unsure in your words. The alcohol muddying up your senses is definitely not helping you out. You wish that you could prohibit yourself from speaking. Your heart feels like it's hitting your ribcage right now, only it can't be, because that's impossible. Fuck, you need to stop getting all poetic and sappy and shit around Hinata.

There is nothing more in the world you want right now than to continue talking.

"Hajime," you begin again, this time, much more confident in your words. "If... if neither of us makes it out alive, I want you to promise me something, okay?" You don't want to do this anymore. It's going to sting like a bitch having to utter these words.

"I want you to promise me that if you die, that you find Peko wherever you are in the afterlife or some shit, and I want you to tell her how sorry I am, for everything, and I want you to let her know how much I care about her, and that she's still remembered. I want you and her to get along, and I want you to know who she was so that you can see everything I'm going through, so that you can know ME better.

"And I want you to... I want you to... just make her happy, and make her smile. If she ever tries to talk about me, I want you to stop her, because she and I both know that things between us could have never worked out.

"And, please, for the love of God, don't ever let her say that she cared about me. Because we both know that that would be the worst thing she could do."

You're much more aware of these tears than you were of the previous ones you had let slip past you. But you don't give a fuck right now. Sometimes it's good to let yourself go every once in a while, and you know this now. You know that this is a good time to just let them go.

"And if I don't make it, I want you to promise me that you'll honor Peko while you're still here. I want you to look back and think of her as a genuine friend, because that was what she truly wanted. I want you to remember Peko as the strong, beautiful, capable woman that she was... And I want you to remember me as the thug everyone else wants me to be."

"F-Fuyuhiko, I can't-"

You silence him, because you know what he's going to try and say.

"Don't make this harder than it already is, okay?" You let out a sigh before continuing.

"I want you to remember me as a bonafide Kuzuryuu, the type of person that doesn't take any shit from anybody. I want you to remember me as the guy who was constantly making death threats to people during Class Trials even though it wasn't me who killed the person. I want you to remember me as the yakuza who saw his bodyguard as little more than a tool to meet his own desires.

"I want you to remember me as someone I'm not."

You give him a stern look in the eyes. He looks taken aback by your request.

"Fuyuhiko, you know that I can't do that. Not after you've shown me all of this. Not after you've made me believe that we were friends. Not after you told me so much about yourself. I know that this isn't what you want to hear, but you told me all of those things for a reason. You might not like to think so, but you really do care, deep down. I know how scared you are. Trust me, I've been there. We've all been there."

The worst part of this is that you believe every single word he says. You have no reason not to.

"I told you to stop. Don't make this hard. This hurts me more than you'll ever fucking know. I don't want you to remember me as the horrible, coldhearted person that I tried to come across as earlier. I would give anything for you to even just once remember me and smile. I wish that everyone else would feel the same way. In reality, I'm no yakuza at all. I... I'm a fucking baby.

"I'm not a fucking yakuza. I was never cut out for that kind of gig. I'm not made of stone like my sister or my uncle. I don't have the heart for it. Actually, I have more than enough heart. Too fucking much. I get too attached, too easily, too quickly. Like right now. I've only really spoken to you TWICE, and here I am, spilling my fucking guts all over the floor in front of you, because I already trust you wholeheartedly. Isn't that fucking pathetic? I'm weak. I've always been weak. I have no balls, and I don't deserve to continue the yakuza business."

He finally locks your fingers in his again, another perfect fit, another twist of the knife in your chest. 

"No, you're not weak. In fact, you're one of the strongest people I know. Getting through all of these horrible moments in your life, continuing on even though you really don't want to, enduring all of this and keeping on...? I don't know many people who could do that like you can. I sure as hell couldn't." He gives a halfhearted chuckle. "I can barely handle being told that I'm wrong. And just because you're emotionally open doesn't make you weak. I know so many strong people who also let out their feelings. It's a strength in and of itself to be able to cry in front of anyone, especially when you're scared. You are stronger than you could ever know.

"I'm not exactly strong, myself. I distance myself from other people because I'm scared to talk to others. I distance myself and only contribute to the void of loneliness in my heart, and that's definitely not something that makes me strong." He continues to wipe away your tears with his thumb, and you try to wipe the tears on the other side of your face.

"You are strong. If nothing else, you're strong to me."

And the scariest part of that is that his opinion is all that really matters to you right now.


	5. This Is The Best

When you wake up, Hinata's gone.

Figures. You knew that eventually, he would leave. But you had been so drunk and emotional and stupid that you hadn't even noticed it much. He had probably left to go sleep in his own cottage sometime after you two had a spiritual journey into your fucked up mind. You're probably sound in your assumption that you had simply scared him too much and he got the fuck out of dodge.

But then again, if the way he acted last night is any type of indication, there's no fucking way he would've just left like that, without a fight.

Surprisingly, your head doesn't hurt as much as it did yesterday. Maybe you didn't get as wasted? Or maybe it was because having him there made you feel a little better, so you drank less. You had always known in the back of your mind that Hinata was going to be good for you, in one form or another.

All of this thinking has really changed your perspective on certain subjects.

Such as eyes. Eyes are a nice attribute, and are now the go-to place to look when talking to someone. No longer do you simply stare down at the ground (or, if you were attracted to them, eye their bodies a bit, like a fucking creep) and nod occasionally. Now, you look them in the eyes. You also appreciate the colors in them a little more, because sometimes, you shift your perspective and suddenly, a kaleidoscope of other colors start to come out. (You also tend to sometimes look for little quirks such as almost perfect lines of light green in them, although you only ever find those with Hinata.)

Friendship is another thing you've started to decode for yourself. You've decided that while you loved Peko, you didn't LOVE her, in the sense that you loved someone you wanted to marry, or you loved a person that you knew was your soulmate (or you loved... no, not yet). You loved her in the sense that you loved someone you had known since birth, or you loved a family member, or you loved a good friend.

Peko was never a romantic interest, to put it in blunt terms. While you did care deeply about her, you didn't ever quite see her as a girlfriend. You saw her mostly as a fabricated love interest from your father and mother - basically a paper doll that you were supposed to help turn into a real girl.

You hate using that analogy.

You STILL care for her, and you would give anything for her to come back to life, but since that's impossible, you just have to hope that she's doing alright.

That's another tricky subject. 

Hope. 

Komaeda fucking tosses that word around like it's a comma. You can't really say that you and him agree on the definition of "hope". (After all, you don't want to say that either, because Komaeda is a fucking lunatic.) But you've definitely looked into it.

Hope. Noun/Verb. Multiple definitions.

1.) The feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.  
2.) A particular instance of this feeling.  
3.) Grounds for this feeling in a particular instance.  
4.) A person or thing in which expectations are centered.  
5.) Something that is hoped for.  
6.) To look forward with desire and reasonable confidence.  
7.) To believe, desire, or trust.  
8.) To feel that something desired may happen.  
9.) [Usually followed by in] To place trust; to rely.

Those were the definitions that you stumbled across while reading.

1.) A.K.A., terrible, horrible, no good, very bad optimism. Synonym: Komaeda.  
2.) It's not like you've ever felt unoptimistic about anything before, but generally, these bouts don't do much for you, and are few and far between.  
3.) See above.  
4.) Maybe? Hinata seems like a good candidate at the current moment in time. Another strong candidate is Peko.  
5.) What exactly are you hoping for?  
6.) Ha. You've never felt any sort of "reasonable confidence" in your entire fucking life. This one gave you a good chuckle.  
7.) To trust... now that might work. Not that you really trust any of the misfit toys on this island. (Except Hinata. Because of course you do.)  
8.) You don't feel like anything you want to happen is going to happen.  
9.) Do you hope in Hinata? Or do you hope in Peko? Or... do you hope in yourself?

So most of your options are eliminated. You're still debating between 4, 7, and 9.

The days and nights seem to start blurring together at this point. You had brilliantly decided to cut open your stomach in order to make amends with Hiyoko, because you knew that if you didn't do it, you would feel horrible.

Well, it might have been that, or it could have been that small part of you that was still screaming out, "YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO LIVE."

Now that you think about it, the latter explanation seems a bit more likely. It wasn't like Hiyoko was ever going to try and forgive you anyway. While you knew that she was trying, she wasn't exactly the type to accept that sort of thing with open arms and a warm smile. Sure, she was less openly hostile, but still. Just because she was TRYING didn't mean that she was ACTUALLY going to get any better.

But you had spent that afternoon in the hospital, and, against your better judgement, had snuck out again, to attend the concert that Ibuki had been holding in honor of you finally getting "better".

While Ibuki wasn't exactly your favorite of the remaining people on the island, you had to admit, the gesture in and of itself was nice. (Although you were also pretty sure that she may have simply been holding a concert just so she could start playing music again. You can't really say that you blame her much. You know damn well that if you were in her position, you would want nothing more than to go back to doing what you loved, and sharing some nice moments with the people around you, knowing full well that those moments could be your last.)

Now that you think about it, you seem to relate to Ibuki on some level.

But here you are, listening to Ibuki introducing herself, the microphone quality a little less than perfect, seemingly screeching out of the speakers, with half of the current club occupants covering their ears due to the squeaking coming from the mic.

And Hinata is right there, right next to you, looking at her with sympathy in his eyes, or maybe it's hope. You don't want anyone else to see you staring at him, but you can't really help it right now. It's been a long fucking day, and you've had some time to mull things over in your hospital bed.

Finally, she gets to the song. "From Me To You Too", she says it's called. You had never really heard any of her music before. You weren't much for light music. You may have heard your sister listening to her sometime, but if you had, you didn't recall the melody. But this sounded like it was going to be some mushy-gushy love song, and you weren't exactly up for that kind of background music right now.

Then, she begins playing. The riff is heavy, and the screeches coming out of her mouth rival the screeches of the microphone. You can see Souda out of the corner of your eye, and he's visibly disturbed by this. Looking around, you see Tanaka, who's just standing in complete silence, with an unwavering expression of surprise and horror. In fact, it seems like the only person enjoying the music is Hiyoko. However, this doesn't really surprise you all that much. You could kinda tell that she would be into this sort of thing.

Hinata tries his best to look like he's enjoying the song, but you can tell that he's somewhat scared. After all, who wouldn't be? Ibuki had always come across as such an energetic and peppy girl, and for her to sing something like THIS was really strange for someone like her. Plus, she had been known for being part of a light music band. And this was FAR FROM light.

You simply look over to Hinata, and you make sure that you do this while the lights are dark. That way, nobody else can see you trying to find the line in his eyes.

However, you can't. At least, not while you're this far away from him.

So, while you're sure nobody can see you (or, if they can, not very damn well), you step closer to him, until you're close enough to where you could grab his hand and still have a comfortable distance between the two of you. You resist the urge to grab his hand, and continue to look at him, making sure that he doesn't notice that you're within his proximity, so that you don't scare him.

There it is.

There is that one line. That one line holds everything you're currently alive for. You can see everything in that one single line. That one line holds your sister, and Peko, and yourself, and Hinata. It holds the lives of everyone who's died in vain here on this island, and the lives of everyone else who WILL die in vain. That one line holds everything. Everything that you care about right now in the world is there, in his eyes, right there, lined up neatly and cleanly in that breathtaking, beautiful, unwavering parallel in his eyes. You can't believe that you hadn't noticed it sooner. You still really can't believe that you're so caught in that one line. You're not sure what this even means. Everything that you know rests in that one line, too.

Some part of you starts to ache. Perhaps it's just a yearning for closeness? To know that he's there, and that he cares, and that you two are still going to be friends, and that you can be close to one another without him being your company for a night of drowning in alcohol.

And then you accidentally manage to get him to catch you while you're still staring at the line in his irises.

You feel your cheeks start to flush. You feel like you should try to say something to correct the situation, but for some reason, nothing even comes to mind. Your head is spinning in circles right now, and this feels so weird. You have no idea why you suddenly feel so lightheaded. Maybe it's the blood loss from your stomach wound? Or maybe it's because you're going deaf from the incessant screaming?

Or... oh God.

You can't say it. You don't want to play yourself.

But there he is, and now his lips are twisting into a smile. You want to shrivel up and die right now, but you can't. He knows that you were staring at him now. You still can't even speak.

And yet, that doesn't matter.

Because he's holding your hand now, and that makes up for all of the words that neither of you are able to speak.


	6. My Head Is Such A Fucking Mess

That night, everything else seemed to melt away. Sure, Nekomaru had been badly injured by Monokuma after taking the bullet for Akane, but still, that didn't really feel like much compared to your realization.

The next day, it seemed that Monokuma had revealed the true motive. The movie that he had made had been a ruse. He had instead infected Akane, Ibuki, and Nagito with some sort of virus that caused them to fall into "despair". (Aptly named, the Despair Disease.) Akane had become a quivering shell of her former self, Ibuki had become gullible to no end, and Nagito became an even BIGGER liar than before.

But you had been determined to not catch the disease yourself.

And apparently, Hinata had been pretty adamant about you not catching it either.

You had to admit, as much as you hated the poor bastard, you really were starting to grow somewhat fond of him. He made you feel better about yourself with every passing second. His talent must have been counseling. He was too damn good at this psychoanalyzing thing to be anything else. Mediating came naturally to him.

What the hell was HAPPENING to you?

Ever since the first night he had showed up to keep you company, you've been getting soft. You're not sure what the hell's going on exactly, but you're 94% sure that Hinata has something to do with it.

Hinata ALWAYS has something to do with it.

You'd be hard-pressed to find something that Hinata had absolutely nothing to do with on this fucking island. He's basically the glue holding everything together at this point. The most annoying, human, green-eyed, confusing as fuck glue that mankind could have possibly stuck you with. But he's the only glue you think could keep you from falling apart. He might be the most infuriating counselor in the world, but at the very least, he was doing his job, keeping you from using the glass shard of the evening to promptly slit your own fucking throat.

You still aren't sure what you'd call this kind of admiration/hatred. Is Hinata your frenemy? Is he your reluctant ally? Is he your vice?

You'll probably never get to find out, because you're pretty sure that he'll send you to your death before you get the chance to sit down with him and have a heart-to-heart about it.

Continuing on the fast track to instantaneous death, shit had gone down between him and Mikan.

You always did have a sneaking suspicion that he was into that sort of thing, that he had some sick sort of nurse fetish, and that was the reason he had seemed so hellbent on including Mikan in his investigations and making her appear more important than she actually was. (You realize how shitty this sounds of you in your head, but goddammit, you've come this far with Hinata, you don't want him suddenly abandoning you for some perverted fetish he might be harboring underneath that ahoge and that stupid grin and inside those damned lines in his eyes.)

But once, while you had been checking in on the rooms, making sure that the infected weren't going to snap and commit mass homicide, you had seen her lying on top of him, with her boobs close enough to have thrown you for a loop and make you question whether or not she was trying to breastfeed the poor bastard, and her ass sticking out of the bottom of her already admittedly short dress.

You wished that she had been the spectacle of the occasion.

But no, instead, you had focused yourself on him, with his eyes bugged out and his ahoge suddenly straightened out, almost as if it were reflecting the situation of his boxers at the time. You were sure that what had happened was something less than ideal.

For some reason, it felt like a betrayal of sorts.

You had never wanted to admit this, but you had started to believe more and more in Hinata over the course of the past couple days. You had started to think of him like a genuine friend, or as an equal. He had started to become a companion of sorts to you, and now, here he was, fucking that up by fucking Mikan up. He had been your FRIEND, you had told yourself. He wasn't ever going to let you down, or have you spend another night alone with nothing but the memories of happier times and the sweat trickling down a bottle of Heineken that had been sitting out for half an hour. He was someone you could TRUST.

He was your Hope, definitions number 4, 7, AND 9.

And now, he was merely a traitor.

But you still couldn't stop yourself from being convinced out of it, like the sorry sack of shit you truly are.

He had managed to convince you that he had merely fallen asleep, and woken up to the compromising position you had seen him in. Mikan had fallen asleep on top of him, posed in a way that would make porno magazine models jealous, cradling his head like she was cradling a newborn baby trying to latch itself onto her for a meal. He had made up that bullshit excuse for why he looked like he had just seen his first porno, and you had believed every single word of it.

You couldn't believe how stupid you were. You STILL can't believe how stupid you ARE, for STILL believing it.

And then, ironically, as things had turned out, Ibuki and Hiyoko had been murdered by none other than Hinata's (blow up) doll, Mikan Tsumiki. You had also had your suspicions about Mikan, and you had never really trusted her, but you had come to somewhat trust her over the course of your day-long hospital stay, since you couldn't have been bothered to actually take care of yourself like a normal fucking human being.

But when given the choice between her and Hajime Hinata, you would always choose him.

Goddammit, you're pitiful.

Now here you are, after the trial, sitting in your cottage, with Hinata, drinking your second cocktail of the evening. 

You still hate yourself for not being able to get over the lines in his eyes, because even while you're drunk, you've still managed to bring yourself back to that subject. It feels like they've been etched into your brain. You can't get them out of your head, no matter how many times you try. They're just so green and subtle and alluring and you need to stop this because you've been having some very strange thoughts recently and you can't really be bothered to try sorting through that can of worms just yet, since you have at least twelve other layers of fucked-up-ness to slag through in order to reach that level of self-understanding. But those lines could probably be the key to getting through at least five of those layers, if you're being totally honest with yourself.

Maybe it's the extremely low content of alcohol in your blood talking, but you suddenly speak up. "Hey, Hajime, I just... I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry."

He looks genuinely confused, like he doesn't remember the douche you'd been just a week and a half ago. "What do you mean?"

"You know. I'm sorry for being an asshole to you when we first got here... I'm sorry for depending on you so much. I'm sorry for being a pitiful asshat that can't be bothered to sort through his own problems. I'm sorry for being an alcoholic, a self-harmer, and a general dipshit. I'm sorry for holding your hand last night. I'm sorry for hugging you that one night... I'm just sorry for everything."

He still has the same confused expression on his face, but his mouth is turned up at one corner, giving you the goddamn half-smirk you've grown to secretly admire. "None of those things are anything to be sorry for. The person you were when we first got here, or... hell, the person you were yesterday, that doesn't matter.

"What matters is the person you are right now. 

"What matters is the Fuyuhiko that's sitting next to me right now, owning up to his mistakes and being genuine with me. What matters is the Fuyuhiko that can understand what he's done wrong and learn from it. What matters is the Fuyuhiko that's gone through enough pain to last three lifetimes, all in the span of two weeks. What matters is the Fuyuhiko that can open up to me and show me who he truly is, without having to hide behind a facade of someone he's not. What matters is you."

You can't believe that he doesn't see it.

With all of the rambling he just got done with about how you're the Fuyuhiko that is being completely honest and open, you can't believe that he hasn't pieced it together yet.

But that doesn't matter, because right now, if you're going to be that Fuyuhiko, you're going to have to tell him anyway.

"Well, if it's Honesty Hour, I suppose I should get things off my chest.

"I'm obsessed with your eyes right now," you start off with, after finishing the contents of the bottle you had been holding in your hand. You reach for the third bottle as you continue. "That sounds really fucking creepy, but it's true. It's more about the two lines that go through your irises that are greener than the rest of your eyes. They've been bugging me nonstop and for some reason, it's totally fine with me.

"But that's not it. The stupid fucking half-smirk you do is another part of it. You know the one. The one you're giving me right now. It drives me fucking insane, but for some reason, it only gets better every time you do it.

"And I really just want to hug you again, because goddammit, you're good at hugging, and my head fits into the nape of your neck like a fucking glove, and you're actually a lot warmer than I thought you'd be. Hold on a second, I just realized, either you bend down when you hug me, or you lift me off the ground, because there's no way in hell that me fitting into the nape of your neck is possible given the height difference.

"Height difference, oh God, don't even get me started on the height difference.

"Look, what I'm trying to say is that I really, really... care about you."

You stop it there, because you're afraid of what might come out if you continue the conversation with no inhibitions.

Hinata looks floored. His eyes are wide, and his mouth is agape with surprise. Not shock, mind you, just surprise, like he expected it enough for it to be less thrilling, yet he didn't expect it enough to be waiting for that confession. He looks cute this way, like a puppy that just got scared by a butterfly landing on its nose.

Shut up, brain, please, don't make this harder than it already is.

"Oh, wait, it gets worse!" you suddenly yell, snapping your fingers. You set down the now half-empty bottle in your hand and make your way towards the piece of paper with your definitions of Hope sprawled across the lines like the memoirs of a lunatic. "Here, read lines 4, 7, and 9, if you would."

He reads them, and you can hear him reading them under his breath. His voice sounds low and breathy, and you can't help but wonder if he whispers like that as well, because you've never heard him whisper, and you'd really like to find out, but you can't really associate hearing him whisper with anything other than him being right next to your ear, and that just turns the whole thing into a rather awkward situation for you that you'd rather not think about.

Hope. Noun/verb. Multiple definitions.

4.) A person or thing in which expectations are centered.

7.) To believe, desire, or trust.

9.) [Usually followed by in] To place trust; to rely.

He hands the page back to you, his face still unchanged.

You fold it neatly and begin to walk back to where it had been setting, but when you turn around after having put it back in its rightful place, you jump when you see that Hinata is there, standing right in front of you.

"Fuyuhiko, I..." he begins, but he closes his eyes and bites his lip, seemingly unable to think of anything to say past that.

You want to yell out at him to PLEASE BITE YOUR LIP AGAIN, but you figure that would be a very unwelcome case of mood whiplash.

He then grabs your hands, and you feel the heat starting to rise in your cheeks.

"Uh, H-Hajime, what the-"

He shushes you like you're a rambunctious kindergartener and he's the new teacher's aide, something that would normally piss you the fuck off, but you're strangely okay with, namely for the reason of it being from Hinata rather than literally anyone else.

And then, time seems to stop dead in its tracks, as he begins to inch his way closer to you. The room is spinning around you, and suddenly those lines are so close to you, and you can see so much more in them than you had initially thought. His eyes start to close, and one hand wriggles its way out of yours to touch your face. Your face begins to heat up at a much quicker pace, since you know full well what's about to happen.

"C-Can I...?"

You can't help but let out a little sigh of relief at how he felt the need to ask you first.

His lips are the perfect cross between soft and cracked, and the warmth radiating from your cheeks seems to rival his natural warmth. It's neither the best kiss nor the worst you've ever shared, but it's definitely not a bad kiss by any means. It's sweet and simple, just enough to give you a glimpse into other aspects of Hinata, things you'd have never bothered to think about had this not happened. It lasts for the perfect amount of time, but you still feel empty when he pulls away.

You open your eyes and find that his are still closed. Your heart skips a beat once they flutter open again, because this time, the lines are at least twice as green as they were before the kiss happened.

Hinata clears his throat, and you can see beads of sweat forming on his forehead as he says, "I-I'm really sorry, I didn't know if-"

You shake your head. "Nah, it's fine. I probably said too much. You know, what with me being tipsy and all. I mean, none of this was your fault, you know. If anything, it was ME who kissed YOU."

Not a single word of that was true, but it seemed to reassure him, so you went with it.

He gave a little nod and said, "You're right... uh, anyway, how about we sit down again?"

You nod and follow him back to your seats, grabbing the bottle and picking up right where you left off, indirectly giving the bottle a kiss from Hinata as well.

Now that everything's happened, you've come to realize something.

Hope is real, and it exists, in forms 4, 7, AND 9. It's dumb, and cute, and sarcastic, and compassionate, and kind, and skeptical, and funny, and clever, and awkward, and bumbling, and sweet.

Hope is real, and it exists in the form of Hajime Hinata.


	7. Crack House Arrest

Well, that just happened.

It's now five thirty in the morning, and Hinata's (Hajime, you keep trying to convince yourself to call him in your head, to no avail) been gone for six hours. Your mind is racing, back and forth between you kissing him and you regretting it, because the way he acted after it was done seemed like he didn't like it. Now you may have just ruined any shot you had with him, and you hadn't even HAD a real shot with him in the first place.

You've been lying awake in your bed for the past five hours, wondering what you could have done differently to have made him stay.

The thing is, you're pretty sure that you couldn't have made him stay even if you'd tried to restrain yourself from saying anything. He was clearly not okay with you having feelings for him, or maybe you just scared him. Either way, you've probably lost him for good.

So that's promising.

You turn to your side, looking down at the floor, unsure of what else to do. You've memorized every crack in the ceiling at this point, so you may as well memorize every fucking splinter in the floor. It's not like you have anything else you could be doing right now. Other than writing about your feelings or cutting yourself like an emo preteen because you've lost the guy you've had a crush on for about two weeks and you don't think you'll love anyone else other than him.

But a sudden knocking against the door makes you jump a little.

It better fucking not be Hi... Hajime.

You get up anyway, either secretly hoping it is or isn't him. Your subconscious is so fucked that you can't really tell anymore.

Once you open it, you're not surprised by the result. It's him.

"Uh, h-hi," he says, with a cute smirk. (Stop calling him cute, please goddammit.) He looks scared out of his mind, like he had after you had kissed him... no, after HE had kissed YOU. You might be the one with strings attached, but HE'S the one that instigated that kiss, and neither of you should try denying that. You can't speak for him because you have no fucking clue what's going on in his head, but you know that whatever it was, he had to have had those thoughts too, because HE was the one that kissed you.

"Well hello yourself." You open the door a little wider and gesture for him to come in. You can't imagine that he would want to stand outside much longer.

He accepts your invitation, and you shut the door behind him.

As soon as you turn on your heel to face him again, you feel him grab onto the sides of your face and suddenly his lips are against yours again. You feel yourself melting into it almost immediately, and you hate yourself for it. But dammit, it's so soft and sweet and gentle, and it's full of Hajime, and you just don't want to let go quite yet. You hate that you're already so pitiful and weak at just one kiss, but seriously, he's really good at this, for someone who's more than likely never even had a first kiss.

Why do you love this so much? Why do you love HIM so much?

Something makes you feel sick to your stomach about depending on Hajime, but at the same time, you hear yourself saying that you wouldn't want it any other way. Everything inside of you has become a shaky mess, and it was because of him.

He was going to be the death of you, you were pretty goddamn sure.

Your heart breaks a little when he pulls away. He straightens himself up from bending down to kiss you, and then says, "I'm really sorry for walking out earlier. I know that I probably just made things worse by doing that. You admitted something really personal to me and I kind of... took advantage of that by kissing you? And then I just left, and it was awkward. I'm sorry for that. It's just... I'm not sure in myself yet."

Your eyebrow raises. 'Not sure in myself yet'? What the hell did that even mean? What was Hajime even trying to say at this point?

"Wh-What I mean is... I don't know if I want this. Do you... do you understand?"

Oh, you get it.

"So, that's what it is, huh? You just kiss me and expect me to be totally okay with you blowing me off right after that? You, you fucking kiss me and then tell me that you're not sure if you really want to kiss me? Well, I'm going to be blunt with you, it's a little late for that. I mean, you said it yourself. You took advantage of what I said to you and then you just left, and it was awkward. And I'm trying not to be pissed off, I promise, but it's kind of hard when I care about you this much."

The words fall out of your mouth like baby teeth - slowly, then all at once, until there's none left.

Hajime nods as you speak, seemingly understanding every word you say, and you wish that he didn't act like he knew just how much you really liked him. You can't fucking stand it when he acts like he knows your pain. He doesn't know you at all. He just knows what his idea of you is, and that makes you feel angry and hurt and somewhat relieved because if he knew the true you, he probably wouldn't want to see you anymore.

He takes in a deep breath and speaks again. "I understand that you're mad. I can't blame you for that. I'm kind of pissed off at myself for being so indecisive, if I'm being honest here."

Nothing hurts more than hearing him say that.

Whatever. You don't care. You shouldn't care.

"Hajime, do you remember what I said when I told you about the bottles? How everything that gets broken can't be broken again?"

He nods.

"Well, I've come to realize that that's a fucking lie. That's only true for glass. But that's completely opposite for everything else. Bones, skin, trust, friendships, dreams, hopes..."

Hearts.

But Hajime seems to get your point after you mention the word "hope", which is both frightening and saddening. It makes your heart ache that much more.

"You're right." His voice is low and soothing, and you know that he means it. He always means what he says. He means it and it hurts. "You're absolutely right. And I'm so sorry. I'm not the person to hope in. I'm not your hope. I'm nothing important. Nothing special. And I've broken our trust, and our friendship."

"You-"

"But, that doesn't mean that I'm going to give up, because you said it so yourself, right? What's broken can't be broken again, but that isn't true, which means that everything heals in the end. Bones, skin, trust, friendships, dreams, hopes, hearts... everything heals within time. Just because something is broken doesn't mean that it's not able to be fixed. Everything can be repaired, and that's what I'm going to try and do.

"Because you mean a lot to me. I think you're one of my first, if only, friends. You've told me so much about yourself, and I can't let any of that go to waste. I want to help you any way that I can. You and I could be great. Our friendship could be one of the best things to happen to us, or to the rest of the group. I know that you're definitely a better ally than enemy, and you know that if we worked together, we could be unstoppable. You and I, Fuyuhiko, just think about it, please. I know that you've had a rough time with everything, but, please, just..."

His voice trails off. You can hear the desperation for you to just forgive him already in the way his tone quivers as he speaks. You wince at the thought. Friendship. Was that all he wanted?

"I think I've made it pretty clear that friendship isn't what I'm asking for here, Hajime," you reply. And it's the truth. Last night, you made a pretty concise request for a relationship, and it came in the form of a kiss from him and a piece of paper with incessant ramblings about how Hajime is hope and hope is Hajime.

You continue, not allowing him to say anything to refute you. "You're important, you stupid son of a bitch. You're important to me. You've been since you decided to stay with me after all of the fucked up things I showed you about myself. You're special, too. You're the first person I think that I can say that I've fallen in love with. And that's scary as all hell. Do you understand how scary it is for someone like me to fall in love with anybody? Especially you? It's the scariest thing I've ever had to put up with, and I've been through a lot of bullshit!" You laugh a little, mostly out of nervousness from what you're saying. "But dammit, I don't really care how scary it is, because while it's fucking terrifying, it's the best feeling in the world!

"Yes, it makes me want to go home running to my mommy, but there's no other way I'd rather have it. You either take it or leave it. It's a simple yes or no. There's no maybe. Just tell me, please."

Hajime looks at you with innocent eyes. He looks so conflicted, and you already know that because of that look of conflict in his expression, his answer is going to be strained, and more than likely it won't be what you want to hear.

"I-I'm... I'm sorry, Fuyuhiko, but I don't think that given the circumstances, I can focus on having a relationship like that. I'm really sorry. Please, believe me, if the circumstances surrounding us were any different, I would've said yes in a heartbeat, but with all of these deaths and the unpredictability around us, I don't think that I'll be able to focus on maintaining anything romantic. Forgive me, please."

You nod. You can't say that you really blame him. If you weren't desperate, you would've probably said the same. Your heart sinks a little, but you understand.

And yet it still hurts. It hurts worse than anything else you've ever experienced, and it hurts differently, too. It's a burning in your soul, like his name has now carved itself permanently into your entire being. It feels like you've been branded.

You close your eyes. "I get it. That's fine. If you ever change your mind, you know where to find me. You're still welcome to come by whenever you want, to talk or maybe share a drink or two if you'd like."

With that, he nods and gives you a pat on the shoulder before he leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! Again, the name of this chapter really doesn't fit, but it's in the lyrics, so I'm just following those lyrics.
> 
> Sorry for this chapter being so short, but I felt that it ended the way that I wanted it to. 
> 
> (Don't worry, this isn't going to end any time soon! I'm going to finish this once I feel it reaches a good conclusion, or until I run out of lyrics, whichever comes first, haha.)


	8. Well, I Woke Up On A Monday

It feels like it's been years since you and Hajime last spoke about your situation. In reality, it's probably only been maybe two days.

You had followed the group on their investigations to the fourth island, after being introduced to the "new and improved" Nekomaru, now a fully-functional robot. You had been absolutely disgusted that Monokuma had done that to his body. After all, it was one thing for that bastard to be the one in charge of YOUR recovery, and you had managed to lose half your eyesight in the process, but for him to just turn Nekomaru into a ROBOT without his permission to do that? That was just depraved. It was sickening, even for Monokuma.

And then you had decided to ride the roller coaster with the others. It reminded you of your childhood and your family, and it was the most fun you'd had in years. In that one moment, you could've sworn that you felt closer to everyone there. You felt like they were a family of sorts. A family that you'd never gotten the chance to ever have - something normal.

Even without talking to Hajime, you still felt closer to him.

And then the Funhouse happened.

Bullshit upon heaping pile of bullshit is what you like to call it.

So now you're sitting in your room, courtesy of the Hotel Monokuma (which reminds you of a song you'd heard a few times called "Hotel California", by some American band whose name you can't quite recall), waiting until you can finally make yourself fall asleep.

Oh, and you don't have any booze on hand, meaning that pretty soon, the withdrawals will start kicking in.

That's always a fun time. Said absolutely no one ever.

You hear a faint knock against your door. The sound is enough to make you jolt a little in your position, but you quickly regain your composure and get up to answer it. You have a feeling that you know who it's going to be.

And sure enough, there he is. The biggest douche of the universe. In all the galaxy, even, perhaps.

"Hajime! How goes it?" you ask, with one of the fakest smiles you've ever mustered plastered on your face from ear to ear. This is great, you think to yourself. The guy breaks up with you once and suddenly you've gone full passive-aggressive. Congratulations, you just received the prize for First Runner-Up in the "Biggest Douche of the Universe" contest. Everyone is very proud.

He looks nervous. "Uh, Fuyuhiko, can we talk? I want to clear the air between us."

You nod, inviting him in. Once you shut the door and turn to face him, you speak. "So, what've you got to say to me?"

"Well, I... I've been thinking things over. I mean, I really shouldn't have kissed you the second time-"

You roll your eye (since there's really no point in rolling the other one, as he wouldn't see it anyway, plus it may or may not even still be in your skull, you can't really tell, what with every time you try to adjust the eyepatch making you writhe in agony at the tenderness of the flesh there. "Oh really? You really think looking back on it that it wasn't a good decision to lead me on?"

Hajime bites his lip, and you feel a bead of sweat trickle down your forehead. Wow, he hadn't even given you any sort of indication that he was going to do that, and you've already broken a sweat at the mere thought. Why must he be so fucking attractive to you? What is this boy doing?

He releases a sigh and answers you. "I didn't come here to redeem myself. I've come here to talk. Look, I've been mulling it over, and I really wanted to apologize for the way I handled things.

"And, well, I've gotten some advice from Chiaki, so-"

Your heart leaps into your throat, and you find yourself unable to speak. You can't think for a second. What the fuck did he just say?

"Chiaki?" you immediately exclaim, interrupting him mid-sentence. "What did you tell her?"

He shrugs. "Nothing that you didn't seem to want to be released privately. Don't worry. I didn't give her a name or any pronouns that could give her any kind of hint that would trace back to you. I made sure that I phrased everything ambiguously."

"What. Exactly. Did you say?" you repeat, putting major emphasis on your words, the tranquil fury quickly rising. You don't want to lash out at Hajime, but if he says what you think he's going to say, you're going to flip the fuck out.

"Well, it was something along the lines of, 'Chiaki, I think I had a memory of some of my time spent at the school, and I think I remembered that somebody here was going through some personal issues. I can't say who, or give specific details, because that would be a betrayal, but I'm really concerned that those issues carried over onto this trip. But I'm really bad at talking to people, or cheering them up, so I was wondering if maybe you could give me some pointers on how to talk to them about it?' You know, vague terms. I made sure that she couldn't figure out who exactly I was talking about or about what kind of issues they had. See? Nothing to worry about."

You know he means well, but now he's just gotten Chiaki involved, and you're pretty sure that girl is a fucking mind-reader.

"Hajime," you begin, balling your fists, hanging your head so that you're staring at the floor between your feet and his. "I know that you have the best intentions at heart, but... Even with the vagueness of that, I'm pretty sure that someone as smart as Chiaki can sense who you're talking about. She's good at practically everything. You might as well call her the Super High School Level Detective, for God's sake!

"And why did you have to choose to talk to her? Out of anyone else you could've confided MY information to, albeit indiscreetly, you had to choose HER. Why did you do that? You spend a lot of time with her. If you weren't trying to reassure me right now, I might have just gotten the wrong idea!" You hate saying these things, especially because you know in your heart that he and Chiaki are nothing more than close friends, and that he just wanted to get some advice on how to patch things up between the two of you.

"God, Hajime, I swear, sometimes you make loving you REALLY fucking difficult."

Fuck.

You quickly clap your hand over your mouth. You shouldn't have said that. You REALLY shouldn't have said that.

You look up to see Hajime's eyes widen a little in response. He seems taken aback, but not as surprised as you imagined he would be. You try your best to look away from those eyes of his, but you've never been a strong person, in any way, shape, or form. Even your will seems to crumble when it comes to Hajime Hinata.

"Shit, I..." you begin, trying to take it back. "I didn't mean that. Seriously, just forget I said that! I really didn't mean-"

"Fuyuhiko, you don't have to apologize for that. It's fine. Sometimes things just slip out, and you can't really control it." Hajime still looks kind of flustered, and he looks absolutely adorable. His 'deer-in-the-headlights' expression is one that you wish you could see more often. "Feelings are a hell of a thing. Sometimes it takes years and years to develop something as strong as 'love' for another person, and other times it takes as short as a week. I've never been one to subscribe into the idea of 'love at first sight', but I've had crushes on others at first sight before. But that's just because I'm a really strong-willed person, I guess.

"With you, your feelings are very strong. You're someone who lets those feelings guide you and determine your actions. I understand that completely. And it's totally okay. I'm glad you were honest with me. It's just... I can't say that I feel the exact same."

You knew that the poor bastard wouldn't LOVE you within such a short amount of time, but you weren't expecting him to be THIS cold to you.

Hajime seems to sense your disappointment. "No, what I meant was... I'm not in LOVE with you, and I'm really sorry about that... but... I do care about you. While I was talking to Chiaki, she also helped me come to the realization that I really did... like you. In the sense that I meant it when I kissed you. A-At first, I think I might have just done it because I thought that was what you wanted, but the second time... that was for me."

You blink a couple of times. You're not really sure what to think at this point. First, you're kind of pissed off that he only kissed you because that's what he thought you wanted.

"Wait, so, you're telling me that the only reason you fucking KISSED me in the first place was because you thought that was what I WANTED? You thought that I WANTED that kind of pity? You thought that just trying to make me think you actually LIKED me would make me feel better, and suddenly cure me of all of my fucked-up-ness? Is that the reason why you did it?"

He shakes his head. "No, I didn't think that doing it would make you feel any better, but-"

"No, you can't worm your way out of this one, Hajime. Trying to deny it only makes it more suspicious. You only did it because you felt sorry for me. You felt sorry for me for having a dead sister and a dead best friend that I had fallen in love with. You felt sorry for me for being suicidal because I didn't think that I deserved to live. You felt sorry for me for having feelings for someone that didn't reciprocate them. You felt sorry for me for being myself and admitting that I cared about you." The more you speak, the more the tears in your eyes threaten to spill onto your cheeks.

"Fuyuhiko, please, just try and listen to me! I wasn't sure what to do! I-I-It might have been that, but I've truly begun to realize that I care about you too! Don't you see how hard I'm trying to get you to believe me? Don't you see how hard I'm trying to get myself to admit these things? This isn't any easier on me than it is on you! I'm doing the best I can!

"I've never been good with people. Ever since I was young, I've never had a lot of friends. I've always been isolated from everyone else, and that was because I didn't know what to say or how to say it. Other kids would make fun of me because I didn't like talking to people, and they would treat me like... well, frankly, like shit. It was horrible, and ever since, I've been afraid to get close to other people, because I was scared that if they didn't like me, they'd treat me like that again. It's the worst feeling in the world to be afraid of other people.

"But coming here has really helped me. I mean it. I've gotten much better at talking to others, and nobody's treated me badly. Well, with the exception of you at first, but you've gotten much better now, too! See? If you hadn't become my friend, I wouldn't have been able to even admit this.

"Dammit, I really care about you, Fuyuhiko! You mean a lot to me, because I see a lot of who I used to be in your behavior. Now, keep in mind, that seems really weird to say considering the circumstances, but..." Hajime's eyes look watery, and your mouth begins to go dry. God, if he cries in front of you right now, you're going to lose your fucking mind. "You and I are really similar, you know."

Your head begins to hurt, and you feel a little dizzy. You plead with him mentally to not say it.

"And... I... I want to be here for you."

None of the pleading in the world could've saved you from that.

"Hajime, can you stop trying so hard? I know that you want to be here for me, but, you don't mean it the way that you implied that you meant it. You mean it in the sense of the way it used to be, where I'd sit there drinking and you'd sit there giving me therapy and other bullshit like that. You mean it like we're friends, but you don't mean it in the sense that you care about me THAT way."

"No, no, you don't get it!"

He steps closer to you and puts a hand on your shoulder. Your heartbeat starts to race. You need to stop this. You need to quit getting so flustered. You need to stop being in love with Hajime Hinata.

"What? What don't I get, Hajime? Do I not understand that you pretty much blatantly told me that you didn't want to be with me like that? Do I not understand that you kissed me because you felt sorry for me? Do I not understand that the only reason you're here right now, apologizing to me, is because you wanted to save face? Tell me what I'm missing."

"I'm here telling you that after giving it some more thought, I've changed my mind! I kissed you the second time because some part of me wanted to, and some part of me hoped that it would make me love you! I'm here because I care about you, and I know that it sounds really bad, but I mean every single word I've said!" The tears in his eyes finally start to fall. "Fuyuhiko, please, just give me a fucking CHANCE!"

"Please don't cry," you say, your voice wobbling. "That's the worst thing you could possibly do right now."

His hand moves from your shoulder to your face, and the other hand rests itself on the other side. "Fuyuhiko, I want to kiss you. I want to do this. Not for you. For me this time."

You see the line in his eyes and nod without even thinking about it.

Hajime Hinata used to be your hope, definitions 4, 7, and 9.

Now, you're not exactly sure what you believe he is.


	9. I've Been Feeling Pretty Wired

It's been three days since you first got trapped in this hellhole. You haven't had anything to eat since, and all you want is some fucking karinto.

Currently it's about five in the morning, and you're sitting up in the Strawberry House common room because you haven't been able to sleep.

Ever since things with you and Hajime got personal, you've been thinking a lot more about everything. How losing Peko made you feel, how your feelings for Peko truly worked, how losing your sister played into everything, how being in love with Hajime is both a blessing and a curse...

You're suffocating in a sea of your own thoughts right now, and you were never a good swimmer to begin with.

Peko was your best friend. She was your other half, the yin to your yang... She was everything that you couldn't be. And you absolutely adored her because of that. She was a soulmate of sorts. You still can't say for certain whether or not it was romantic, but it was definitely much deeper than a platonic level of feeling. Perhaps... she was your platonic soulmate? If there's any phrase that could best describe the way you feel towards Peko, that would have to be it.

Meanwhile, Hajime is... hoo boy.

Hajime is neither your friend nor your foe. He's just like you in some regards and couldn't be more different in others. Sometimes you feel like you understand him, and other times you just feel like your head is spinning, trying to get a grip on what he's saying to you. 

But goddamn, are you so in love with him.

You love him more than words could possibly describe, and you've tried to describe it many times. Even though it's been only two weeks, it still feels like you've known him for years. And once you regain your memories, you might just find out that you two were together anyway, making everything null and void. But that doesn't matter because you DON'T have your memories back. You CAN'T remember what it could have been like in the past. Right now, all that you can remember is the past two weeks, and already you've fallen in love with this dorky kid who stumbles on his words, but proves just how smart he is with every single sentence that comes out of his mouth. Already you've become entranced by an awkward guy that has to ask for advice on relationships, but is the one that everyone else goes to for advice when they need it. You're smitten with the boy that gives you support and kisses you and then goes on to singlehandedly save the lives of every student that doesn't commit a crime.

You wouldn't have it any other way.

And yet, you still can't bring yourself to forgive him just yet.

After all, he DID admit that the only reason he even kissed you at first was because he thought that was what he needed to do. You're still not really comfortable with the idea that he did it even though he didn't fully want to.

Sure, he did admit later that the next couple of kisses were completely for him, but still, you can't get over how he did that for YOU, and didn't even tell you that he didn't feel the same way. It was a nice gesture, and you were EXTREMELY grateful for that kiss, because it was the best kiss you'd ever had in your entire fucking lifetime, but knowing that the feeling was one-sided still doesn't sit well with you.

Even though you would love nothing more than to run to Hajime and kiss him and tell him that you wanted to accept his feelings and be his... boyfriend, you suppose?

Just saying the word 'boyfriend' to yourself seems strange. You had never thought that you would ever have to accept that as a real possibility, even when you had come to terms with your sexuality. Even saying 'girlfriend' didn't sound quite right either. It wasn't that you didn't WANT to have a significant other, it was that the thought of anyone being interested was too taboo for you to grasp. Since, you know, the whole 'Fuyuhiko is really fucked up' thing.

Still, the possibility seems farfetched, even though Hajime has made it very clear that he's interested.

Your eyes dart up and there's Mechamaru, walking in his usual gait toward something. You look to the clock. What the hell? It's five in the fucking morning, where the hell is he going?

"Hey! Nekomaru!" you say, hoping to grab his attention so that you can ask him where exactly he thinks he's going. After all, he can't exactly go to the bathroom, being a robot and all. (He's manifested his sadness in this realization by staring forlornly at the bathrooms whenever possible.) And his alarm really shouldn't have been set for five in the morning - it should be set for seven, when everybody has to go to Monokuma Tai Chi.

But he doesn't respond, further confusing you. Shouldn't he respond to you? Doesn't he have a mic that can pick up sound? What the hell is going on with this guy?

Whatever. Your head hurts. You've been without a drink for three days, and you're pretty sure that if you go another, you're going to snap and murder the next person that tries to give you some more of their bullshit relentless optimism. (If that's the case, your money is probably on either Sonia or Chiaki, with a side bet on Souda. You're pretty sure that everyone else is safe.)

Mechamaru just keeps walking, leaving you alone once again, with nothing but your own thoughts to accompany you. You heave a sigh before slumping back down on the couch.

It takes a couple minutes, but you hear somebody else enter the room.

"Whoa, uh, hi Fuyuhiko. What're you doing up this early?" asks Souda.

Speak of the fucking Devil.

You shrug. "Couldn't sleep. I could ask you the same thing."

Souda adjusts his beanie before answering, "Same reason. What time is it, anyway?"

"Too fucking early, that's what time it is." You groan as you speak, a sudden sharp pain hitting you. Fuck, this headache is really bad. You're pretty sure this is worse than any hangover you've ever had. And you're also pretty sure that this might just be because of how sore your eye still is. You're not exactly sure how long it's going to take before it heals, but you're hoping that the time is soon.

Souda laughs. "You've got that right." He turns his focus to the clock on the wall. "Fuck, it's five in the morning..." He also lets out a groan, and he slumps in the chair he's sitting in.

You turn your attention to the clock as well. The hands read 5:19. Jesus, you can't believe it took a whole 19 minutes for Souda to show. It felt like it only took 3 at the most. Your perception of time is really shitty, you suppose.

It doesn't really matter what time it is, you suppose.

That's when you hear footsteps walking down the corridor. Great, another addition to Insomniacs Anonymous.

"O-Oh, greetings, mortals!" Gundam shouts, seemingly surprised that there are people in the common room.

You roll your eye(s?) and scoff. "Yeah, mornin', Gundam. What brings you here?"

Gundam fiddles with his earring as he answers. "I couldn't sleep and decided I'd take a walk around this infernal contraption, so I could assess the circumstances. Truly, the fiend that designed this 'Funhouse' must not have seen the pits of Hell, as I have. This... this playground simply PALES in comparison to the horrors I've seen there."

You nod, trying to understand what he means. He couldn't sleep, so he tried to walk around so that he could explore the Funhouse a little more, so that he could start to figure out why everyone was trapped here. Seems solid enough to you.

"Yeah, this place sucks, but it's not ALL bad, I guess," you reply. Souda seems to be seething at Gundam. You still can't believe how stupid he is. He still thinks that he has a chance with Sonia. After all, she's never shown any interest in him. She's interested in Gundam, and the sooner that Souda learns that, the better off he'll be. You still feel bad for the guy, though, all things considered. He reminds you of yourself, in a sad way.

"So, I heard that you and Hajime were uh..." Souda says, changing the conversation. He turns to you with a sly smirk.

Your face flushes. Who fucking told him? "Sure, we spent some time together, but nothing happened? Remember? Peko?"

Souda nods. "Yeah, I guess that's true. But you two HAVE been getting rather chummy lately. I wouldn't have anything against it! Actually, it'd be cute. But yeah, with you and Peko, and then him and Chiaki..."

You grit your teeth and have to force down the sudden outburst that threatens to escape from your lips. You're still pissed off about how close he seems to be with Chiaki, but you understand now that it's nothing more than a platonic thing, like you and Peko.

Maybe she's HIS platonic soulmate. It would make sense, in a strange sort of way. They seem to have a really great dynamic together, and if he didn't have her, or if she didn't have him to rely on, Class Trials probably wouldn't get solved, and everyone would've already been long dead by now. They are quite a tag-team, and it's taken you just 'till now to appreciate their full potential as that duo.

Although you're still a little jealous.

Thank God, you manage to keep it down. Had you not, you would've grabbed Souda by the bright yellow jumpsuit and screamed into his face "FUCK CHIAKI, I'M IN LOVE WITH HAJIME FUCKING HINATA AND HE LIKES ME TOO, SO SHE'S INVITED TO THE WEDDING WHILE SHE CRIES AND DRINKS ALL OF THE CHAMPAGNE BECAUSE SHE KNOWS IN HER HEART OF ALL HEARTS THAT HE WILL NEVER LOVE HER THE WAY THAT I LOVE HIM!"

Just imagining your outburst is actually kind of funny. You're tempted to do it anyway.

You're stopped from making that horrible decision by an alarm sounding in the room.

"What the hell?!" yells Souda, jumping almost a foot into the air. He almost lands in Gundam's arms, but Gundam takes a step back and Souda lands flat on his ass, on the floor. You have to fight the laughter.

Gundam then grabs the clock from off the wall (thank God he did, because that was fucking tall, and neither you nor Souda could have reached it, considering your heights) and hands it to you.

"What the hell are you doing handing ME the clock for?!" you ask, confused by Gundam's thought process.

"Time is merely a human concept, and I have no reason to manipulate its will."

Whatever, you then hand the clock to Souda. "Please, make it stop! It's going to drive me fucking insane!"

"Hold on, I've got this!" Souda grabs a screwdriver and goes to work on the clock, and the alarm is off within seconds. However, you DO hear a loud thud, that makes Souda jump again, this time not as high.

From all of the sudden excitement, you suddenly feel very tired.

Apparently nobody else is going to investigate that weird thud, either.

Souda resets the alarm to 7:00, for when everybody is supposed to wake up for Monokuma Tai Chi, and you yawn. "Well, with all of that fresh excitement, I'm going to bed. See you guys later," you say, giving both of them a half-assed wave.

Only Souda waves back.


	10. I've Been Wide Awake Since Wednesday

You wake up to the alarm ringing incessantly once again, meaning that it's time for another round of Monokuma Tai Chi.

You groan and get up, cursing the name of whoever is in control of that godforsaken teddy bear. It wouldn't be so bad if you weren't fucking dying, literally, as you've been starving to death for four days now.

Also, you've been without a drink for four days, and you're pretty sure that the next person that pisses you off will probably end up dead.

Whatever. You grab your clothes and start to get dressed, hearing the footsteps of the others bumbling about outside of your room. Once you grab your tie, you open the door, deciding that you can put it on while you're walking. After all, you've had a lot of experience with putting on that tie. It's been part of your ensemble since the day you turned 10. Unlike your suit, it never had to be refitted. It was always a part of you. That tie was a gift from your little sister, and you've worn it every day since. She had taken the time to carefully stitch it and make the design for it to resemble the family crest, and you had absolutely loved it the moment that you got it. Your sister had definitely been the best. There are no words that can adequately describe how amazing of a sister she was to you.

You miss her more than anything.

Well, anything except for Peko.

Peko has been all you've been able to think about for the past three days. Sure, Hajime was in there, too, but you've been thinking more and more about Peko as well. You miss her to the ends of the Earth. She was your best friend, your companion, your other half. She meant everything to you, and you meant everything to her. The two of you had been inseparable since you were babies, and even then, she had done nothing but risk herself to protect you. Even before she was contracted to start doing hits for you, she would still risk her life for you. You had never met someone who was so compassionate, so caring, and so reckless with themselves to protect someone else. You will never be able to find out if she loved you the way that you loved her, nor will you ever be able to find out if she loved you the way that you love Hajime.

But you miss her. God, how you miss her. It feels like a chunk of your soul went missing with her.

Once you open the door, you find Souda walking past. "Mornin', Fuyuhiko!" he says, with an uncharacteristic smirk on his face. You're almost put off by it.

Well, at least you WOULD'VE been if it weren't for the fact that Souda is normally this way.

You give a wave and a smirk in return, hoping that he doesn't stop to try and make any conversation with you. Ever since he asked about you and Hajime, you've been reluctant to consider him someone you should be close to. Still, for him to notice something that neither you or Hajime have been obvious about in public, he must be better at noticing things than you initially thought.

Thankfully, Souda doesn't stop to chat. You give a sigh of relief.

As you continue to walk along, you start to mess with your tie. Your hands are trembling as you attempt to salvage it. You can't believe how shaky your hands are. It feels like you're vibrating to the rhythm of an earthquake. Whether it's a side effect of your withdrawal or of being starved for four days, you can't really tell, but either way, this can't be anything good.

Suddenly, as you're finally managing to get the knot, you hear, over the intercom...

"A body has been discovered! The Class Trial will begin shortly!"

And then you suddenly know.

After all, you had seen the poor bastard walking aimlessly through the halls at 5 in the morning. The poor guy was probably set up by somebody to wake up then instead of at 7, and it's taken 'till now for anybody to wake up and see the body.

Once you get to the elevator, your suspicions are confirmed.

There lies Mechamaru, completely dismembered, oil staining the floor. His eyes are full of panic, even though a robot shouldn't be able to feel that kind of emotion, and there's a nasty dent in his head. Whoever did this to him must have been really strong, in order to be able to even get a single hit on the guy, much less flat-out murder him.

But that's the problem - nobody else in here is strong enough to be able to defeat Nekomaru. He wasn't called the Super High School Level Team Manager for nothing. He was stronger than anyone else, because he needed to be. In order to keep up with athletes like that, he needed to be in top physical condition.

The only person that had ever managed to lay a single hit on him within the immediate area is Akane, and she was on extremely good terms with him, meaning that it's not likely she turned against her friend. However, in a world like this, where murder is trivialized, it's entirely possible that she could have snapped and killed him. Plus, Akane is usually a big eater, and for her to go four days without a single bite to eat is probably killing her. She may have simply killed him so that she could finally eat again.

You're thinking too much into this.

For right now, you decide that you should lie low and let Hajime and Chiaki do their thing. They're an unstoppable crime-fighting wave. So you lie low, trying your best to fix the tie you had managed to royally fuck up on the way here.

Hajime senses your nervousness and walks over to you. "Need some help?" he asks, with a genuine smile that instantly makes everything seem less horrible and frightening than it actually is.

You nod, and his hands immediately fly to your tie, undoing the hastily tied knot. "Uh, I figured I could tie it while I was walking. I didn't think I'd stumble upon a crime scene." A chuckle escapes your lips, and Hajime gives a little laugh as well.

"Yeah, I get it." He makes quick work of your tie and you give him a smirk.

"Thanks," you reply, as he takes his hands away and admires his work. You want nothing more right now than for him to put his hands back to your chest, just to feel the closeness again. Anything to feel that closeness again.

But since you're in public, where people can see you, you can't exactly just make out with him, now can you?

He says goodbye and returns to his investigation, and you return back to the side of the elevator, pressing your back against it, watching as he and Chiaki talk to one another about possible pieces of evidence. He takes pictures of the more important pieces, and picks up the pieces that are safe to be tampered with.

"Um, excuse me, Fuyuhiko?" asks someone.

You jump a little, startled by the random question. You didn't know somebody was close enough to you to be that loud. "Y-Yeah, what?" you respond, trying not to take your eyes off of Hajime.

The other person pauses for a brief second before saying, "Well, I was wanting to ask if you could help assist in the investigation by checking all of the clocks in both towers for me?"

Giving in to the urge to find out exactly who's talking to you, you turn and find yourself eerily close to Nagito Komaeda.

Hope, definition 1.

Not the hope you're searching for.

"Sure, if it'll help, I guess I could do that," you reply. Even though you're not entirely keen on the idea of helping Komaeda out in his investigation. Anything that would help Komaeda out is probably not in your best interest.

Although, Hajime has needed his help during a couple of critical moments during the trials. And you're also fairly sure that he has a thing for Hajime, so you want to assert yourself, in case he thinks he might be any kind of competition.

What the fuck are you even THINKING? After all, it's not like you've confirmed ANY type of relationship with Hajime yet, and even if you had, it's not like he would be one to go astray. You know that he would be loyal, and if he weren't, at the very least, you wouldn't have to worry about him hooking up with a psycho like Komaeda. You're thankful for that, at the very least.

Plus, it might be a thing that could turn out to help the entire crew. And anything that could help out, you want to be a part of. If it means not getting fucking killed, you're pretty much for it at this point.

So you do that. You start at Grape House, and check every single clock. They all say the same thing. 7:30. You make a mental note that all of the clocks seem to be in perfect sync, and then you head to Strawberry House. Those clocks all say the same thing, and seem to be in sync to how long it took you to get to each clock. Every clock in the entire Funhouse seems perfectly aligned, although this doesn't surprise you a bit.

Monokuma, being the stickler that he is, more than likely made damn sure that those clocks were marching in perfect step, otherwise he would've probably snapped and broken every single fucking clock in the entire building.

So you've got your results, and now it's time to head back to Komaeda and tell him the good news. And by "good news", you mean the fact that the clocks all fucking work like they're supposed to, congratulations.

Once you step back into the elevator, Souda is the first to greet you. "Hey, Fuyuhiko! Where've you been? We just sent Hajime to scout for you!"

You tense up a little. You do NOT need Souda breathing down your neck right now.

"If you must know, I was out checking the clocks on the third floor of Strawberry House. Komaeda asked me to. Well, since you already sent Hinata out to look for me, can you tell Komaeda that all of the clocks were in sync? I'll go looking for Hinata. Where did he say he was going first?"

Souda nods. "Yeah, I can talk to Komaeda for you. And he said he was going to start with the first floor of Strawberry House."

You smirk and press the button to send the elevator to the first floor, tapping your foot impatiently as it roars to life and starts to descend. As you wait, Souda casually says "He volunteered himself to look for you, y'know."

"I didn't know, and I didn't ask," you reply, your voice trying to convey the fact that you clearly don't care about Hajime, despite your heart fluttering at the thought of him being so concerned that he specifically asked to be the one to go looking for you once people caught wind that you were missing. Just imagining how upset he might have been upon hearing that you weren't in the elevator with the others makes you feel a bit dizzy.

The blush threatening to pool across your cheeks seems to want Souda to figure out what's really going on, however.

You don't care. You don't give a single fuck what Souda thinks. You don't care what he or Nanami or anyone else thinks about you or Hajime, because you fucking love him. You fucking love him and you don't care.

Souda looks at you and whispers, "Listen, I wouldn't care if you told me what was really going on. Hajime hasn't been trying to hide it, and I would appreciate it if you didn't either, Fuyuhiko. You don't have to tell anyone else. I won't tell, either."

You groan. "Fuck off, Souda. Me and Hinata aren't together. Nothing happened between us. We're friends. Now if you would be so kind as to let me get off the fucking elevator, that would be great."

Souda shrugs. "Whatever you say, man. Just... I'm not here to try and get you in a vulnerable position to hurt you. I genuinely want to be your friend. I'm here because I care."

Whatever. Like he gives a shit about you.

Finally you get off the fucking elevator and begin to walk down the hallway, trying to find Hajime.

It takes you a couple minutes, but finally, you hear, "Fuyuhiko? Thank God, I was worried about you!"

You feel a blush beginning to form across your face as you reply, "I was worried about you too, you idiot. Where the hell did you think I had gone?"

"I thought someone had killed you, too," Hajime admits, his cheeks flushing red. You want to scream. He looks absolutely perfect like this, and you wish that he could just keep blushing for the rest of his life. It would make you the happiest you could possibly be.

You shake your head. "I've fought to keep myself alive this long, did you really think I would go down that easy?" The corners of your lips twist up into a smirk, and you look up into Hajime's beautiful green eyes, and that one line comes to prominence once again, that line that makes your heart pound against your ribcage and sends your mind into a frenzy.

He lets out a laugh, and walks closer to you, wrapping his long, lean arms around you, and this is all you need.


	11. I Was Feeling So Inspired

Gundam Tanaka, despite being a crazy bastard, saved all of your lives. For that, you'll always be grateful. He didn't deserve to be executed, especially considering that he and Nekomaru had made a pact, and both of them were okay with dying to save all of you. You can't believe that someone who believed he was so evil and going to Hell would do that to save others.

He was a noble demon, of that much, you can definitely be sure.

Now that the trial is over, you're sitting alone in your cottage, and you've never been more glad to be here. You've never thought of this place as your home, but now that you've been holed up in the Funhouse starving for God knows how long, you've been thinking "HOME SWEET HOME" nonstop.

And Hajime is there with you, his fingers laced between yours.

"Hey," he says, breaking the silence that had been lingering in the air between you ever since you had gotten home.

You look into his eyes and smile. "Hey," you reply back.

He gives a smile in return, and you can see his entire face just light up. Your heart is beating faster at the thought of him smiling just because of you. You've never been so enamored by another human being. You can't seem to understand why you love him so much, but dammit, you do, and there's nothing you'd rather be.

"I really like your eyes," you say, even though he already knows this. You said it the first time after telling him that you loved him, but every single day, his eyes keep getting more and more beautiful. They're so kind and green and unique. They fit him perfectly. His eyes are definitely the windows into his soul. You couldn't imagine him with any other eye color. The green eyes are just so flattering to him. He's already so handsome, but his eyes add a whole new level of beauty. His heart is pure, and his face is kind, and there's nowhere else you'd rather be than in his arms for the rest of your life.

Hajime means so much to you. He means everything. He means redemption. He means a chance to start over. He means a lifelong friend. He means therapy. He means being able to heal yourself. He means a new life.

Hajime means beginning.

God, why must every single part of this boy mean something to you?

He gives a clear laugh that rings in the air. "I like your eyes too. Well... your eye, I guess."

"Thanks for reminding me, asshole," you say, but the smile on your face gives you away. "I'd almost forgotten that I was missing half of my eyesight."

"Sorry! But really, I mean it." He seems sorry, and you decide that it's in your best interest to believe him. His thumb strokes the back of your hand, and the feeling is so soothing you threaten to fall asleep.

"God, I wish you loved me," you say. Your heart hurts but you know that after all is said and done, once everything is over, you'll be fine. You'll get through this. It doesn't matter if he loves you or not. What matters is him being here right now, and holding your hand, and giving you support, and caring about you even though you care more about him than he could ever about you.

Hajime's eyes are full of sympathy, and you can't take it right now.

"What do you mean by that?" he asks, an out-of-place grin gracing his visage.

You sigh and look down at his hand, still intertwined with yours. His hands are so soft, and every single part of you is saying to just kiss him again. Every single fiber of your being is reaching out to him, screaming "I love you" and "I need you" and "this is so fucking hard".

Hajime continues to stroke the back of your hand with his thumb, and he says, "You know... I don't HATE you."

"Well, gee, thanks," you respond, a halfhearted laugh accompanying it.

"No, please, just, listen to me.

"I might not have it in me to LOVE you yet, but... I'm getting there, okay? I'm getting there. These things take time, and I need you to be patient with me. But I want you to know that every single day, I keep getting so much closer. Fuyuhiko, you... you mean almost everything to me at this point. And if you died, I don't know what I'd do." His voice is beginning to crack. "Dammit...

"I thought I had lost you when I saw you during Peko's execution. That was before I knew you... the REAL you. And still, for some reason, I couldn't help but SCREAM your name, like... like I was losing the only person in the world that I loved. I screamed for you, even though I hadn't even talked to you that much before then. I screamed, even though I knew that you wouldn't want me to. And... and when I found out that you were still breathing, my heart lifted a little. It was the most relieving thing I had ever heard. Every single breath that came out of your mouth was another reason to keep hoping. Another reason to keep believing in myself, and everyone else around me. Every single breath meant that there was still a reason to be alive, even though everything was falling apart around me."

The words keep spilling from his lips, like he's reciting a speech, or performing a poem for you. They string together into beautiful stanzas, creating powerful lines that you simply can't ignore.

"Fuyuhiko... what I'm trying to say is... I'm falling in love with you."

That is the one thing that you wanted to hear, and now that you've heard it, you're never going to let it go. Hajime Hinata is falling in love with you. Those six words are all that matter, all you ever needed, all you didn't KNOW you needed. Just those six words and suddenly, your hope, definitions 4, 7, and 9, seem like realities more than just ideas.

His other hand comes up to touch your cheek, and your free hand traces against his jawline. He's got a strong jaw, pointed and very defined, and it occurs to you that you love more than just his eyes.

You love every single aspect about him. You love his eyes, his hair (even though there's one strand that seems to defy every single law of physics and it refuses to ever come down), his jaw, his hands, his smile, his laughter...

And when he kisses you, you feel complete again.

The hole in your heart left by the deaths of your sister and Peko are filled once his lips connect with yours. They may never be completely full again, but with him here, and him kissing you, you suddenly feel like they're there with you, cheering you on as you're kissing the one person left that you love. Natsumi would probably either be rooting for you or making a show of pretending like it's the grossest thing she's ever seen. Meanwhile, Peko would be giving you her trademark knowing smile, that smile that only rarely came out.

You know that if they were still here, they would love Hajime.  
"I can't believe you told them," you say, completely breathless from the suddenness of Hajime's announcement.

Hajime beams at you. "Well, I figured they'd like to know sooner or later. I mean, if we're supposed to be together, then, shouldn't we tell our friends about it? I mean, they are all MORE than happy to support us. Sonia seems very eager to learn more about our relationship, Akane is threatening to break me in half if I break your heart, Souda is screaming to everybody that 'HE KNEW IT', Chiaki is definitely on board, and Nagito is pretty happy for us too."

You wince at the mention of Nagito.

"Uh, yeah, about Komaeda... are you sure that he took it that well?"

There's a quizzical tilt to his head as he asks you, "What do you mean by that?"

You expel the sigh you've been holding in for the past minute now, finally releasing all of the breath caught in your throat. "Well, I think that bastard may have had a thing for you, you know... like, he might have had a crush."

"Fuyuhiko... there's no reason to be jealous. I don't care about him the way I care about you, and you know that. You mean everything to me right now. You're the only person I'm living for right now."

The worst part is that you believe his words.

You don't want him to think this way. If he's not living for himself, then how can he live for you? If he can't be himself, then how can he expect you to know who he is? You love him, and it makes you feel like you're dying all over again every time he says this. You've heard him repeat these words too many damn times, and it shatters you every single time he says it.

You close your eyes and grab onto his hand even tighter, as you whisper, "Goddammit, I love you, so much."

"I love you, too," he says.

And you know, you know, you know.


	12. By The State of My Own Execution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Obligatory flashback chapter because I'm DR3 trash~
> 
> Neither Hinata or Kuzuryuu remember any of this, but this is canonical (in this universe, jfc I'm talking like people actually care).
> 
> Still second-person, only this time, we're going past-tense verbs. Can y'all handle that?
> 
> But yeah, just when you thought everything was going to be super happy. (Everything WILL be happy in the following chapters, but until then have this angst fest.)
> 
> Also, RIP Natsumi Kuzuryuu, a.k.a. the first girl from an anime that I've actually fallen in love with. (that's not true, I fucking loved Seiko Kimura)
> 
> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FUYUHIKO! I'm celebrating with sadness. Forgive me.

It was about 6 A.M. when your mother walked into your room. "WAKE UP!" she yelled, her voice piercing through the silence surrounding you, cutting through the sleepy fog that had engulfed you. As you shot to a sitting position, a panicked scream escaped your throat instinctively. It didn't help much that for the past couple of months before, you had been having a reoccurring nightmare.

You had broke into a sweat as you asked, "What the fuck?!"

"I said wake up. We just got a call from your school. It's about Natsumi."

You let out a groan in frustration. Natsumi was always getting into trouble, but that was expected of someone like her. After all, she was the second coming of your uncle. Her disposition was much different than your own, and you had always known in the back of your mind that SHE was the one that was supposed to be the Super High School Level Yakuza. You didn't deserve to be the heir of the clan. It was all her. It was always, always her.

Mom sighed and said, "They think that she's been hurt at school."

This caught your attention almost immediately. You always knew Natsumi was a bit of a fighter, but you had never seen her come home with a single scratch on her. Either she had picked a fight with the wrong person, or there was something seriously wrong.

So you suddenly reached perfect posture from your slouch, and you rose to your feet. Your mother closed her eyes and gave a curt nod. "I would appreciate it if you would go see what exactly the matter might be."

You rubbed the sleep from your eyes. "Why the hell am I the person that has to go see about YOUR kid?"

"Because we've got an important business deal today and we can't be bothered to go see her if this ends up not being serious. Now go, and that's an order." Your mother did an elegant spin on her heel and walked out of the doorway to your room, her high heels clacking on the tile flooring of the hallway as she strode. You had watched in awe at how refined she was. For a yakuza, she was completely calm and concise in everything she did. She was almost a robot. Her long blonde hair swayed with her as she walked, in the high ponytail she always kept it in. She was dressed completely in black, although that wasn't out of the ordinary for her, especially not on days where she and your father conducted business.

You simply stood there, unable to do anything for three minutes, alone in your boxers. "What the fuck has Natsumi gotten herself into now?" you had mumbled.

It took you almost no time to grab your uniform.

As you kept going through your daily routine, your mind kept returning to Natsumi. What if she was actually in danger? What if one of her grudges had come back to burn her? What if her past had finally caught up? Your heartbeat continued to keep getting quicker as you ran through the list of people that Natsumi had crossed at some point in her 15 years.

Finally, you were out the door and walking as fast as you could towards Hope's Peak Academy. You were glad that you lived so close-by, because you couldn't even go to school if you didn't. It wasn't like YOU were going to drive.

As you kept walking, the faint sound of police sirens filled the air. Somewhere, deep in the back of your mind, you knew. You knew it was for her. You knew that your sister was seriously hurt, or she had killed somebody.

But you kept walking anyway.

As soon as you saw the 'caution' tape, your mind went completely numb. There, on the ground, lied your sister, part of her skull completely concave, blood everywhere, her expression twisted into one of anger and fear. There was blood matted in her hair, caught in tiny clumps, red chunks scattered among the rest of her platinum blonde head. There was blood coming out of her mouth as well, you'd noticed, and pieces of her skull were scattered around her and on the wall.

Your knees shook with fear. Who the hell could've possibly done this? Your sister was the greatest woman on Earth, and someone had fucking killed her.

You felt like you were going to be sick.

As you looked around to find a police officer to talk to, you saw a boy with light brown hair and a large ahoge shaking near the other side of the wall. He was trembling, in a fetal position, his olive green eyes filled to the brim with tears.

You walked over to him and sat down next to him. "Were you the one that found the body?" you asked, wanting answers more than anything else in the world.

The boy shook his head. "N-No... I got here after the police had came... Are you by any chance... her brother?"

The question took you aback. "Y-Yeah, the name's Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu. Did you know Natsumi?"

He nodded, his lips beginning to quiver along with the rest of him. "I did... we were in the same Reserve Course class. Hajime Hinata... that's my name. She and I were... w-well, we weren't friends, but... we got along, I-I-I guess."

He was clearly broken by what he had seen, just like you were. You couldn't blame him. Even if the victim hadn't been your sister, to see that as you first came into school would be a nightmare. Hajime Hinata, he'd said. What a poetic name. You scoffed under your breath. For some reason, you're not lashing out at him. Maybe because you'd heard Natsumi talking about a boy named Hajime before? You're not sure if this is the same kid or not, but if he is, then she was right.

Natsumi knew you better than you knew yourself. She knew your likes and dislikes, your type, everything anyone would ever possibly need to know. She had been a great little sister, and had talked to you nonstop about a boy from the Reserve Course that she thought you'd find "cute".

There was a little green line in his eyes that you couldn't help but develop a fixation on, as you kept speaking to him.

"Yeah, Natsumi talked about you before. I'm really sorry you had to see this..."

Hinata gave a traumatized laugh in response. "Why are you feeling sorry for me? I barely knew her. She's YOUR sister. I shouldn't even be this worked up about this, but..."

You shrugged. "Once you've lived the life I have, you get used to seeing this sort of thing. But... goddamn, that looks fucking painful. Whoever did this to her clearly wanted her to suffer. Her fucking BRAINS are caved in."

Hinata forced back a gag at the thought of seeing Natsumi's exposed brain. You had quickly realized that you had fucked up, and you immediately added, "Sorry for the imagery."

"No, it's fine... I've already seen the body, I have a pretty good idea what it looks like by now."

You felt a bit calmer knowing that you were helping him. He seemed like he's a nice person, for what it was worth. 

You furrowed your eyebrows and shut your eyes tight as you suddenly felt the onslaught of tears threatening to spill. You didn't know why you were crying. You were used to this. You were a fucking yakuza, for God's sake. You had seen so many deaths, lives destroyed due to careless war. You'd seen everything. You'd seen all different kinds of wounds, and even wounds inflicted upon your own family. You'd seen basically everything you could've seen at this point. This shouldn't have been getting to you. You had known deep down that she was dead, and you had known that you were going see her having been murdered in some horrific way one day or another. You hadn't been expecting that type of brutality, however.

Even though you saw these kinds of things like it was a routine, you still cried, because one of the only two people in your life that was important to you was dead, and there was nothing you could've done about it.

Hinata noticed the first tear trickle down your cheek and he reached out to wipe it away. For some reason, you let him do that. For some reason, even though every part of you was screaming for him to back the fuck away, you let him touch your cheek. You let him feel sympathy for you. You let him get attached.

When you opened your eyes, those big green ones were all you could see.

A blush formed onto his face as he said, "I-I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have done that. Forgive me, please."

You had shook your head. "No, no, it's fine. Thanks. I'm... I'm glad that you're here. And I'm glad that I'm here... with you."

The air between you was full of unspoken words, namely apologies toward one another for what they had seen at the entrance to the school. The words hung in the air like stars in the night sky, bright and unable to be missed, yet neither of you truly seemed to appreciate them for what they were.

"You said your name was Hinata, right?" you asked.

He nodded. "Y-Yeah... Hajime Hinata."

You extended a hand in his direction, and he took it, shaking with a grasp that wasn't too firm or too soft. His hands, on the other hand, were quite soft, and you wouldn't have minded shaking his hand for just a little while longer. "Well, Hinata, I guess I'll be seeing you around, huh?"

"W-Well, I mean... I'm in the Reserve Course, s-so, I can't really promise anything, but-"

"I'll come talk to you at lunch tomorrow. How does that sound? And I'll bring my friend Peko, too. I think you two would get along."

You tried your best to put on a smile, and he seemingly took the bait. "Y-Yeah! That sounds really nice! T-Thank you!"

"No problem," you said, your cheeks beginning to grow sore from the smile you'd been keeping on your face that entire time. It hurt to be lying to him so obviously like this. After all, you'd only just met the poor bastard, and you were already shooting lies through your teeth.

You weren't going to be at school tomorrow. Or today. Or maybe even the next day.

You were going to stay at home, and weep over the loss of your sister, and wonder why she couldn't have lived in your place as the Super High School Level Yakuza, because everybody fucking knows that you don't deserve that title. You were going to stay home, crying into your pillow, because of something you had no control over. You were going to hide from the world while they needed you most, and run away from your friends. You were going to leave everything you wanted at Hope's Peak behind, just so you could try to convince yourself that this wasn't fucking real. You were going to stay at home, screaming your lungs out, pitying yourself for not having been the dead one.

And as you get back to your feet, he calls out, "See you later, Fuyuhiko!"

With every single step you take away from the crime scene, your heart cracks a little.


	13. Drop Me, 'Cause I Can't Let Go

As you wake up, you realize that there's a Hajime-shaped hole in your heart that you've finally started to fill. He's still here. You've fallen asleep and he's still here, with his arm around you, and you can't imagine anywhere else you'd rather be. There's something inherently calming about knowing that he's here, and he cares, and he wants to be here with you.

He cares too much, and you care too much, and why do you care so much about HIM? It could have been literally anybody else in the entire world, yet you chose him. Your mind decided that he was the one person that you were meant to love.

You're the first of the two of you to wake, which seems like an odd thought. You had initially assumed it would be the other way around. As soon as he said that he was going to stay with you, you thought that he would be the one waking up first, and that he would make you breakfast and give you sleepy forehead morning kisses, and that he would make you smile and tell you stories about him from before. And you had just assumed that would be the way it was. You had known in the back of your head that this was the way that it SHOULD be, but not the way it is.

Even when his eyes are closed, they're beautiful, you find.

He looks at his most peaceful this way. You like it best when he looks peaceful. His face is naturally breathtaking to you no matter what, but for some reason, whenever he looks at ease, he looks the most handsome. Hajime Hinata is one of the only people you know that can look the most beautiful when he's not even trying.

There's a lot to take in right now. The sunlight streaming in like so, almost in perfect golden beams across the floor, and your feet are tangled between Hajime's, and this moment is all you've ever wanted.

He jostles awake and you stand corrected. He's at his most beautiful when he's just opening his eyes, because all there is is green and love and calm. Your spirits are lifted as he says, in the raspy, just-woke-up way, "Mmm. Good morning."

"Good mornin' yourself, Sleeping Beauty. You used to waking up later than me?" you let out a chuckle as he sits upright in bed and squeezes your hand. His smile is crooked and cute.

"Well, it depends on how late you get up every morning."

"Maybe if we make it off this island with our lives, you'll be able to spend some more mornings with me," you say, and you mean every single word of it. Never in your life have you been more bold than you are with him. It seems to come naturally. Every second of time you spend leaves you wanting more, leaves you impatiently waiting for the next. Hajime is all that you need, and you're so glad that right now, he seems to need you just as much.

A blush spreads across his cheeks at the thought of waking up next to you every morning. "U-Um, actually, I'd really like that..." He tenderly rubs the back of his neck with the hand that's not gently lying across yours. You can't believe how adorable this boy can be.

"D'you really mean it?" you ask, sheepishly turning your eyes to his hand on yours, your fingers squirming underneath his palm. "Are you sure that you want to spend some more time with such a fuck-up?"

"Why WOULDN'T I want to spend more time with you, Fuyuhiko? You're amazing. I... I really care about you. I love you, and you know that. Just, remember that. And yes, I meant every single word of it."

He leans to kiss you and you melt into him, as though you've kissed him a million times before. It never ceases to amaze you how easily you seem to slip into this. You're barely together, and already you're kissing like you've been a couple for years upon years. There's nothing better than this feeling, where you're walking on air, and nothing else around you matters except the fact that you're both there, together. It makes you feel invincible, like anything that could ever come your way is insignificant, and that there's absolutely nothing that could ever stop you.

Once you two break away from the kiss, Hajime gets out of the bed, adjusting the tie that had been loosened around his neck in the process of sleeping. His fingers fumble with the silk, and you both think it's adorable and kind of sad.

"Come here, ya disheveled brute," you say, motioning for him to walk over to you so you can help him with his tie.

Fuck, he's tall.

You'd forgotten just how much taller he is than you. There's a difference of 9 inches--almost an entire foot. And the fact that he's standing and you're sitting doesn't really help matters. You're probably about eye level with his bellybutton. The thought of that alone is enough to make you blush a little.

He notices the difference once you get to your feet, and bends at the knees to make up for a bit of the difference. Now you're at eye level with his chest, and this thought is neither better nor worse. Especially considering that his bust size is one of the bigger ones out of the men (fourth overall, just shy of Tanaka's, although with Nidai in the competition, it was never really a game). Why are you thinking about this, you need to just stop before you get flustered.

The tie slides easily through your fingers, and it takes you a couple tries before you finally manage to get a good grip, but once you do, it's easy to fix. You don't have any problems with it afterward. "There ya go," you say, running your hands down the front of his shirt to get rid of the wrinkles you'd managed to add during the process.

He gives a shy smile. "Thanks."

"No problem. Now, what are we gonna do today?"

Hajime shrugs. "I don't really know. But what I do know is that I want people to know that we're together."

Gulp. Yikes.

This is a big deal. You're still not really sure if you WANT to tell them, or if you really feel like you NEED to. Either way, you suppose that you should take Hajime's feelings into consideration.

He thinks it's a good idea. And he usually has really good intuition. Or, at the very least, his intuition is usually better than yours. Hajime knows everybody here much better than you do. Plus, maybe Komaeda would step off if he knew that Hajime was taken.

You still hate the idea of "being taken". It doesn't describe the way a relationship should work. It sounds more like a hostage scenario than anything else. There's nothing about a relationship that should equate to being "taken". It's just a shitty way of saying that you're in a relationship with someone else. Plus, if you're in a relationship, you're still your own person. There's not a single part of you that's been taken away by the other person. The phrase is just really wrong and horrible and fucking dumb.

"Are you sure?" you ask, uncertainty taking over in your voice. You tried to make it sound like you were on board with the idea, but your voice rarely likes to listen to you whenever you're trying to get a point across, and instead it makes you sound like you're pleading with him not to do this.

"I mean, only if you're okay with it! I would never want to make you uncomfortable. You mean a lot to me right now, and... I'm the type of guy that wants everybody to know whenever I'm in a really good mood, and... sorry, I'm rambling. But yeah, it's really your call."

But you know, no pressure or anything.

A sigh escapes your lips as you weigh the pros and cons.

Pro: Hajime believes that this is a good idea.  
Con: Hajime could be wrong.

Pro: This might be a positive step in your relationship.  
Con: This might also be a negative step that results in a breakup.

Pro: Komaeda might step off.  
Con: You might come across as a jealous guy and Hajime might break up with you for that sole reason alone.

Pro: You would finally be more comfortable with the group.  
Con: They all might not want anything to do with you after you two came out.

There are a lot of ways that this could go, and all of them seem to be ending up either very happy or very shitty. You're not exactly peachy keen with either of the options. So, you make a mental coin toss.

Heads, you agree. Tails, you don't.

You keep your eyes closed and count to three. On one, it's on tails. On two, it's on tails.

On three, it's on heads.


	14. On My Way Down, Kill The Lights Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~ Second Obligatory flashback chapter! ~
> 
> Because the world needs more Kuzuhina. More Kuzuryuu reactions to Natsumi's death. More Hinata before becoming Izuru. More feels. More pain.
> 
> And less shitty excuse plot when it comes to the implementation of despair. C'mon Junko, you needed to be a manipulative witch instead of someone who merely used others to do the dirty work.

A week after the death of your sister, you saw Hinata again.

His eyes were bright green and his hair was just as pointy as ever, the weirdo. You'd wished that he'd smoothed it down or something, because ever since you'd realized that it existed, it had annoyed the fuck out of you. You weren't sure if it was because you've got a thing for order, but whatever it was, it messed with you.

"Hinata!" you yelled from across the walkway. You were headed to lunch - you're not sure of where exactly he was headed.

Hinata looked a bit startled by the outburst, as he looked around frantically for the source of the noise. You let out a bit of a chuckle at how dorky he looked, and not because he looked kind of cute when he was startled.

Although, you had to admit, Hinata was cute. He had those big green eyes, and when you startled him, they looked like he was a deer caught in the headlights. His hair stuck up really oddly, but it was endearing, in a strange sort of way. He had a tiny spattering of freckles that you had to carefully study in order to appreciate, which was more than you could say for yourself. You merely had a mess of freckles that everybody could see. You hated them, but Hinata made them look good. It was surprising how much you already liked him.

The goofy grin on his face after finally identifying you as the perpetrator of the outburst was enough to solidify the growing pit in your stomach.

You were starting to... like this kid. As in, you were starting to become attached.

A part of you wanted to nip this in the bud, but another part of you wanted to explore this. You'd never felt this odd before, and it intrigued you. For some reason, not even Peko could make you feel like this. It was odd, how deep those green eyes were burrowed in your brain. You had barely known this boy and already his visage was buried in your memory.

He turned around and walked towards you in the hallway. "Hey! It's nice to see you. Y'know, ever since..." He stopped himself in the sentence, the finisher known to both of you, but not spoken.

You nodded. "Yeah, yeah. I'm over it." Lie. "But it's good to be back to normal." Lie. "Do you want to hang out together?"

Hinata gave a genuine smile that caused the pit to sink a little deeper. "Sure! Do you have lunch too?" The well intentions clearly being offered here were foreign territory. Normally, other people had ulterior motives for talking to you. Yakuza politics were tricky business, and you'd dealt in more meetings and conferences than you'd truly like to admit.

Your mouth feels dry, but you manage to give an answer. "Yeah, dumbass, I'd never skip a class!" You give a little chuckle to try and offset the harsh language. Hinata's eyes widen a little, but they quickly return back to normal.

"Really? I didn't take you for the studious type." The left corner of his lips turned upward a little, and the pit sank a little more. This boy was already going to be the death of you, and you'd barely exchanged more than 10 minutes of conversation with him. "I guess you can't really judge a book by its cover."

He blinked twice before snapping back to reality and grabbing hold of your hand. You blushed a little at the sensation of his hand against yours. It was a nice feeling, but it was way too early. You hardly knew him, and already, you two had fingers intertwined like you'd known each other for years. A gasp escaped your lips as he dragged you by the arm towards the cafeteria.

Once he had found a table he liked, you plopped your bento box in front of him. Peko was nowhere to be found, presumably sitting with some of the other girls. She had her own life to live, and you had told her that you didn't want her to be your "tool" while you two were there. She seemed to have listened to you in some way at least. You were glad, because you didn't know how she would react to you hanging out with someone that she didn't know. She was a bit protective of you, so you were afraid that there might have been a confrontation between her and Hinata.

Hinata sat down, opening his lunch. You followed suit. He looked down at the table and asked, "Are you sure that you're really over it?"

You almost choked on your yakitori. "What... what the hell do ya mean? Of... of course I'm fine."

"Your sister is dead, Fuyuhiko. Even the strongest person in the world wouldn't ever be able to get over something like that. You're strong, and I know that. But... a death like that isn't something that someone can get over easily."

The realization hit you like a ton of bricks.

Hinata thought about you as well. He cared. He wanted to make sure that you were okay, and he was scared for you. You had been worried that you were being too hung up over him, and he was just as hung up over you. The pit sank even more, and you suddenly felt like you were gasping for air. You were drowning. Is this what it felt like to have a crush on somebody? You'd never felt that way, so you couldn't know from past experience, and you couldn't exactly ask Hinata if you had a crush on him or not. Either way, you were drowning on land, and the cause was this boy who cared about you.

A single tear slipped down your cheek before you even realized it. "Oh no, please, don't cry, Fuyuhi-"

"No, this is okay. You're right. I haven't had the proper time to mourn. I'm expected to be a strong, manly ideal... but nobody seems to care that I have emotions. Yakuza are supposed to be machines. Killers, criminals, monsters. But... I'm too... Fuck. This hurts, Hinata."

He looked at you with sympathy and understanding in his eyes. That look was foreign to you as well. Nobody had ever seemed like they were sorry for you. You had always dealt with your personal feelings on your own, so for someone else to seem to want to work with your emotions... it was unheard of to you. You were a lone wolf, but if this was the way that being supported felt, you needed to change that mentality soon.

Hinata put a hand on your wrist gently. It felt like a promise. Your heart was beating out of your chest, a frenzy of panic and sadness and flutter. It felt every bit as beautiful as the books and movies made it out to be.

This was when you knew you were falling slowly. You never know what's going on until it stops happening.

You fell slowly, and then all at once. You were gradually floating down, down, down, and then suddenly the wind beneath you was snatched away and you were so close to finally hitting the ground. Hinata was all you wanted right then. Perhaps it was the desperation. Perhaps it was the fact that your sister was dead. Perhaps it was the realization that you would never feel the same way about Peko as you do for this boy.

But you could feel yourself slowly slipping, as though you actually were falling from the sky. One look into Hinata's eyes, and it solidified the entire ordeal. "I should've done something. I should've told Satou to back off. Because I knew in my heart of hearts that it was somehow her fault. I should've made damn sure that they were never alone with one another. I should've known that this would've happened.

"Natsumi was always the strongest one of us. She was strong, and stern, and she could lead a hell of a lot better than I can. She... she's the one that deserved to be in the Main Course, not me. She's the one that deserved this. I'm... I'm weak."

The tears kept spilling down your face and onto the table, creating a puddle of woe and regret. Every word you say is true. You should have stopped it. You should have done something. You should have a living sister. You shouldn't be here.

You should've been dead.

"Why couldn't it have been me?" you asked, staring down at your hand, now clenched in a fist. The other is still stretched close to him, because you want him to keep holding it for the rest of the day. Your head is spinning and your vision is blurry and you want to die. Hinata can't stop this. Hinata could never be able to stop you wanting to die. There was absolutely nothing that he could do to make you feel any better right now, except maybe keep holding your wrist, the way he did just then. You ached. Your head, your heart, your entire being ached, because you knew, you should've been the one with your brains bashed in.

You should've been the one that had a grudge to be fulfilled. You should've been the one who was lying in a pool of their own blood in the music room. You should've been the one whose photographs hung on the walls in your house. You should've been the one lying peacefully in that casket three days ago, wearing your best suit in order to be sent to Hell.

Natsumi should've been the one sitting there, having to cope with your loss, being able to get through it easily because why the fuck would anybody care about someone like you? Natsumi should've been the one talking to Hinata right then, laughing and getting to make friends. Natsumi should've been the one who Peko swore to protect for the rest of her life.

But there you were, disappointing everybody, including yourself, all because you weren't the one that made an insignificant bitch whose first name nobody can remember get so pissed off that she murdered you in cold blood.

Hinata's heartbeats drummed through his fingers and into your skin. You were comforted by that gentle thump on your nerves, and it took every ounce of the strength you had left after crying not to pull him across the table and hug him. His presence is enough to make you feel a bit better. Your eyes sting from the tears, and you can't believe that you still have it in you to keep crying after this long.

"Natsumi didn't deserve to die! She was better than me!" your voice raised a bit in volume, but due to the surrounding conversations, nobody could seemingly hear you screaming. "Why did she have to be the one that got fucking killed?! Why did it have to be her?! She didn't... She shouldn't have..." There was nothing you could do to stop the tears anymore. Any restraint that you had left in you was gone, compiled in a giant clear mass on the table. There was nothing left of you.

"Do you want to get out of the cafeteria and talk in private?" he asked, the grip on your wrist tightening ever so slightly. You could feel those heartbeats getting a little bit tenser and more stern, but you didn't care.

You nodded, and you closed your eyes as you let him whisk you away to wherever he felt was best.

When you open them back up, you're outside, standing in a hallway surrounded by windows, feeling the cool breeze against your skin. It wasn't Hinata's heartbeat, but it was still a nice feeling nonetheless. His voice was quiet and slow as he said, "This is the last place I spoke to your sister."

The sound of his voice saying those words hit your eardrums like a hammer. He spoke to your sister where you had been standing right then. She had been there, right in your spot.

Your voice broke into a thousand pieces as you asked, "What did she say?"

"She said the exact same thing that you did. She said that she shouldn't have been a part of the Reserve Course. She wanted nothing more than to have a talent, just like me. She wanted nothing more than to attend Hope's Peak with you. She admired you for being the older brother. She admired you, Fuyuhiko." He had a faint smile, one that was reminiscent of someone remembering a shared secret they had with an old friend. "You were her idol. All that she wanted was to be like you."

The pit sank deeper once more. Hinata's eyes met yours, and suddenly you were caught in an olive storm. His eyes were beautiful, you didn't understand how you couldn't have realized their beauty sooner. The sheer innocence and understanding in them was overwhelming.

If she were there, she would've been so mad at you for crying about her. She would've probably slapped you. You would've cried even more after that, but she wouldn't have kept hitting you. Natsumi would have told you that there was nothing wrong with her. She would've said that you were supposed to be strong. And then she would've hugged you and told you that everything was going to be alright. You two would've stayed there for a while, with words hanging on invisible strings in the air, and then she would've told you to stop being such a dumbass and get your act together.

"I can't... I can't understand why she'd want to be the Super High School Level Yakuza. Even she didn't like the idea. She didn't want to be known for being an heiress. She told me as much. But... she still deserved it more than me. She was so much stronger than I am. She's good at handling these kinds of things. She would've known exactly what to do if it had been me.

"Hinata... this is going to sound weird as fuck, but... it would mean the world to me if you would just hug me. Please."

Hinata didn't even ask why.

As his strong arms wrapped around you, you realized just how much taller he was. He had to bend at the knees, and you had to lift onto your toes a little to be able to make up for the difference between you. His heartbeats were suddenly much louder and harsher than before, but they were no less pleasant than they were when they were concentrated on your wrist. He was warm, and he reminded you of home, even though you had never felt like any place was home before.

When he started to let go, you felt yourself tugging onto his jacket to make him hold you longer. It was scary how much you felt like you needed him. Your heart started to beat in time to his, and suddenly you were clinging on for dear life against this boy who made you feel like you weren't the worthless one.

A surprised gasp escaped his lips as you pulled him back. Tears began to spill again and this time, they collected into the fabric of Hinata's uniform. "Goddammit... this is pitiful, isn't it?" you asked, the words muffled.

Hinata shook his head, and by association, your head shook against his chest. "There's nothing wrong with showing emotions, Fuyuhiko. You're fine."

And there you were, crying against Hinata's shoulder, and all you wanted then was to keep holding him until you felt complete again. Only once had you even met this kid before then, and already you were dependent.

For some reason, all you wanted to do was kiss him.


End file.
